Like Rain on Cracked Earth

Christianity in the Valleys

2010-06-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

"You're glowing today. What's different?" one of my friends asked me the other day. My honest answer: well, I took some time to go be alone with God and was reminded that I don't need to worry and be anxious. Funny, isn't it, how one of the most calming and reorienting things for us is simply to spend time with the One who loves us the most--and yet it's so difficult to choose to make that time. I look for my comfort everywhere else first: in sleep, in food, in busyness, in productivity, in people.

I used to get that kind of comment not infrequently. Even when things were difficult, even when I was crying and praying in the bathroom at work, somehow I was more centered in Jesus and more connected to God's daily presence with me. But this has been a long and dark last year, and somewhere along the way the sparkle went away.

I'd like to carry that light in my face all the time; I'd like to be expressing the living joyful presence of God even when I don't say anything out loud. I think that light is slowly coming back, but I am not sure what one would have to do in order to always have it. For me, part of it is learning to trust God more deeply when more and more anxiety producing dilemmas develop. Part of it is choosing to make that time to spend with God so that I can be reminded of the big picture again. But I also think that perhaps sometimes there are dark times that our spirits have to walk through where there is no way around the valley, but only through it.

When you are depressed, it can be a success just to get out of bed and fulfill your responsibilities throughout the day. Even when I spent time in prayer and read verses from the Bible over and over again about worry, I still felt overwhelming anxiety. "Let go and let God," people told me (translation: let go of feeling like you have to be in control and let God be the one in charge). But that just produced more frustration, and a sense of alienation and guilt. I wasn't feeling any better, so I thought to myself that I must be doing something wrong. God must be waiting for me to pick up my game and get my act together.

Now that I'm slowly pulling out of the long tunnel, I am beginning to have more grace for myself and for all who are in dark places of grieving, of depression, of great personal stress. Perhaps following Jesus doesn't always mean feeling joyful or peaceful or exhuding light from one's being. Perhaps there are times when the great struggle is simply to keep the faith, to hold onto Jesus and his promises and keep walking even when the bad feelings don't go away, when God seems distant or when we don't understand what is going on, when nothing we are doing seems to make anything better. I think that God must value such struggles with great tenderness and compassion.

I hope you never have to go through dark times; I hope that your life with Jesus is continually filled with joy even in difficulty. But if you are in the midst of struggles, hold on, sister. Hold on, brother. Keep the faith. Have grace for yourself. You are the apple of God's eye, and even when he feels far away or impossible to understand, his compassionate love surrounds you. Eventually these hard times will pass.

"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery." (Colossians 2:2 the Message version)

May we all know that we are woven into a tapestry of love.

free spirits

2010-05-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." (Breakfast at Tiffany's)

Holly Golightly, you and I are far from being similar people, but I feel you on this one. Terrified of being trapped, terrified of losing one's freedom, of losing the ability to just pick up and go wherever whenever--and all this fear driving one away from intimacy and relationship to be on one's own. And while those of us who know Jesus know that falling in love is not the only chance anybody's got for real happiness, running away from relationships because of fear is definitely not the answer. Especially when the real problem isn't "out there" or with someone else. It's within.

Weddings

2010-04-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

As summer approaches, so does wedding season. Between my own friends and my boyfriend's friends, sometimes I feel like EVERYONE is getting married! I guess that happens when you hit your mid-20s.

A couple of months ago I was reading a blog posting from a college friend on his proposal story, and while I was happy for them I started feeling jealous. I mean, really jealous. Any other single friends out there feel me on this one? I am not ready to get married but I definitely want to at some point, and I envy the certainty of those who write mushy blog posts about how they have found "the one." In contrast, even though I am happily dating a wonderful man, when it comes to the general idea of marriage I have a lot of fears and anxiety--mainly about whether it will ever happen for me and about my own ability to choose wisely.

Ultimately I think it comes down to my questioning of God's love for me. Is God's relationship with me solely about sacrifice and suffering or does God delight in giving me good gifts as well? Can I trust that when God gives me a good gift that he won't yank it away again? Will God withhold something from me just because it is something I want? Does God love me enough to help me and protect me in the decision making process?

If you are single or dating, where are you at with the whole marriage thing, especially if you have lots of friends who are getting married? How do you deal with jealousy? Do you find that your own feelings also are rooted in what you are working through with God? If you are married, did you deal with these kinds of feelings when you were younger?

Resurrection

2010-04-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about trying my hand at spoken word for some time now. I like words :), I used to write poems, and I like listening to spoken word so I always thought that it would be fun to try it myself.

As I was reflecting on the meaning of Jesus's resurrection and what that means for my own life, a spoken word/poem thing began to take shape as a way of verbalizing those thoughts. So here is my piece that I wrote and shared at the brunch my small group threw for Easter this year. It's not the same on the written page, but imagine me speaking it. :)

Resurrection

Knowing Jesus is not a quick ticket to happiness.
It's not no rain, no bain, no pain--that's novocaine, not Jesus.
It's not my right, my might, my fight--that's selfishness, not Jesus.

My life with Jesus has been an adventure,
Partnering with people and going places I never expected.
Lots of love and light and laughter.

And I have also done a lot of leaving.
Small deaths litter the landscape behind me:
Deaths of friendships, homes, innocence,
Whole countries and ways of life have come and gone.

Sometimes darkness stalks my own life too.
Fear, hopelessness, depression is pressing down
and I'm scratching clawing screaming
for a way out.

And all those labels
that people or places or past experiences
have placed on us.
--What are yours? I'll tell you some of mine--
Outsider. Unknown. Abandoned. Alone.

Resurrection comes into the midst of our woundedness
and says--Not True!

And I find that
mission and vision and
promise and purpose and
hope and healing
come as Jesus walks me through those deaths into life.

And I have a new name.
I am Chosen.
I am Beloved.
I am Known.
And Jesus will never leave me or abandon me.

Resurrection.
It's not no rain, no bain, no pain--that's not Jesus.

But it is the promise
that when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
that we are not alone, cause he has already been there.

It is the promise
That life can come out of death,
That life has come out of death,
And that Jesus makes all things new.

Life is too short for...

2010-03-31T09:25:00.000-07:00

As my grandmother pointed out to me, I have been somewhat delinquent with the regular posting of blog entries this year. My apologies, dear readers! I have had a few entries percolating in my brain but have not as yet put my fingers to the keyboard.

I have been thinking a lot about my to-do list this week, which can stress me out, since it never ends. I cross one item off and put two more on. Then I realized: I am going to have a to-do list for as long as I live. Why let its presence consume me so that I am more obsessed with getting things done than with being with people? The items on my list are only important because they facilitate the relationships and things that are truly important.

In honor of that realization, here is my mini list of 5 things that life is too short for!

Life is too short to...
1) Keep a perfectly clean desk
2) Eliminate all the items from my to-do list
3) Read & respond to every email
4) Stay angry
5) Clean the house every week

and life is too short to NOT....
1) spend time with the people I love
2) call my family
3) eat dessert when I want it
4) know that I am loved
5) treat other people with God's kindness

What's on your lists? Share!

Love is a matter of life and death

2010-03-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

First homicide of 2010 in Pasadena. A Latino teenage boy was fatally shot on a Sunday morning at a bus stop.

I live just down the street from Villa Park, hangout for the gang the Villa Boyz, whom the police are trying to dissuade from seeking retaliation. I tend to think about the Villa Boyz sort of lightly (in fact, our house even named ourselves the Villa Girls, joking that we are the "anti-Villa Boyz," since we are here in the neighborhood with the hope of strengthening and supporting families & kids and working towards a healthier, thriving neighborhood).

But this incident reminds me that the kids I work with really do live in a neighborhood where the choices that they make (who to hang out with, whether to apply themselves in school or not, where they physically hang out in the neighborhood) can be a matter of life and death. I am reminded that I came here not because it was a "nice" thing to do or because I thought I would save the world, but because Jesus weeps over things that happen in my neighborhood. Jesus weeps over the boy who just died. Jesus sees everything that happens here--all of the wonderful beautiful things about this neighborhood and the families here, and all of the broken destructive things that happen as well--and he loves, he loves, he loves the people here. Will anything I do during my time here make a difference to the kids and to this neighborhood? I hope so, but I don't know. But at least I entered the fight, at least I will have tried, and I firmly believe that love always counts for something. As Kevin Blue says, "Nothing is wasted in the kingdom of God."

Pasadena fatal shooting touches off worries of retaliation
Pasadena picks local nonprofit to head up gang prevention efforts

Laughing in the face of chaos

2010-03-05T11:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just have to laugh at how non-profits scrabble and make things work without a lot of money.

We say that we can't afford to buy a top of the line drill so we buy a cheap one and it takes a staff member an hour to drill one hole in our concrete wall because the drill is so weak.
The stove legs are uneven so we have an old textbook under one leg to stabilize it.
There's been a huge hole in the wall in the women's bathroom for months as we gradually get the plumbing fixed.

Not to mention all of the random things that go along with nonprofit chaos...right now I have a plastic iguana sitting on my coworker's desk looking at me from a recent pile of donations that no one knows what to do with!

Working with Homelessness

2010-01-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

I found this a moving blog post about one woman's personal encounter with homelessness in Glendale. It sums up much of what I wish I could say about my job but am often unable to articulate and put into words.

http://www.helpamotherout.org/2010/01/18/equal-opportunity-homelessness

Working with the homeless community is hard. It is draining. I imagine that most kinds of work with people experiencing crisis is exhausting. When I go home at the end of the day, I too often want to just be with people I love and who love me, to relax, to escape into TV or music or a good book, to remember the things that are beautiful in life.

But the good thing about working with people who are homeless is that it keeps me attentive to the pulse of what is actually happening with those who are most vulnerable in this country. It forces me to know the bad as well as the good, to see firsthand the positive and negative impacts of federal and local policies on those who are struggling to get back on their feet.

Moreover, my job has forced me to grow as a person, to learn how to set and keep boundaries, to be deeply compassionate and patient while maintaining enough emotional separation to keep my own well-being intact. And as I have improved these skills over time, I have found myself better able to engage poverty and need in the whole of my life, outside of work. I have more energy for the at-risk teenage girls I mentor than I did when I first started working in social services. In the evenings I can still get lit-up and passionate when talking about the issues facing the kids and families in my neighborhood.

I confess that I still generally avoid much interaction with people that are homeless when I am not on the job. I am not sure if this represents a lack of compassion or if it is simply the boundary that I need to have enough energy for the people I interact with through my job. My friend Mark who also works in homelessness spends his off duty hours interviewing people that are homeless for their life stories, but as for myself, I have found that working with different kinds of need outside of work keeps me more sane!

2009-12-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

Check out this awesome video of the Servant Partners team that works in the slums in Bangkok, Thailand. These are some of the folks that I visited after leading the Global Urban Trek with InterVarsity this summer, and they are wonderful people. Maybe some day I will be there too. :)

*Edit* I have now posted the video as a link instead of directly in this post. To see it, click here.

Who do you follow?

2009-12-11T14:34:00.001-08:00

Ran into a friend today and we were having a good conversation until it turned to matters of the future, and he asked me if I would be willing to give up my plans and dreams in order to "follow my husband."

Umm, the short answer is no.

Willing to compromise? Yes! Willing to work together to figure out how we can both pursue our dreams and live out the giftings that God has given us? Yes! Willing to go through periods where one of us makes accomodations or sacrifices in order to partner with and support a conviction or calling that God has given the other person, or through a time of pain and/or healing in their life? Yes!

But am I willing to put aside all my hopes, my convictions, my sense of calling and direction, and arbitrarily submerge them and follow someone else around like a sheep for the rest of my life because I get married? No way. Something inside me would die.

I've run into this many many times in my life and I'm sure I will run into many more times in the future, but it is painful each time I open up my heart and share my hopes for the future, and someone shuts it down with: "but are you going to be willing to follow your husband?" Personally, I believe that view is based on a mis-reading of Scripture--I know some others will disagree with me, but I'm just working off of the best understanding I have come to after nine years of thinking about and studying gender and women in the Bible.

God chose to create me as a person of passion, conviction, and dreams, and I don't see why my gender should mean that I can't seek to live out the dreams that God Himself has chosen to write in me. I am committed to following Jesus, and His direction in my life is the one that over-rides all else.

God With Us

2009-12-10T08:00:00.001-08:00

As I have been reading the Christmas story out of Matt 1, I am astounded at what it must have been like for Mary to go through those experiences and to find herself pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Even if I had responded as well to the angel's announcement as Mary did, if it was me, I can just imagine the fear and uncertainty that would run havoc in my mind as the pregnancy started to show. "What now? This is the end of life as I know it. I can never recover from what other people will think of me. I can't escape this situation or its effects for the rest of my life." I think I would have been angry at God, feeling like the life I had planned on was falling apart around me. (maybe there's a good reason God didn't pick me to be Mary!!)

As I come to the Christmas story this season, like all of us I read through the lens of the season I am in, a season where I have been asking God, "Will you lead me into situations where I feel like all my dreams are destroyed? I have committed myself to following you but some days I am terrified of the possible costs."

Yet even in the midst of my fear, I can't help but see and acknowledge the ways that God then proceeds to provide for Mary what she needs. He sends an angel to Joseph instructing him to still take her as his wife, thus ensuring that Mary will be taken care of financially and that she won't face the scorn of the town or the struggles of raising a baby on her own. The book of Luke tells about the sign that God gave Mary to reassure her through her cousin Elizabeth's pregnancy, and the companionship and encouragement that he provided her through her cousin.

Left to myself, I question if God will provide me what I need to survive the dark times--but this story tells me that he will. He is. Even if I don't recognize it in the moment.

Most encouraging, Matthew tells us that Jesus is Immanuel, "God with us." God with us in the midst of questioning. God with us in the midst of suffering. God with us in the midst of the darkness in ourselves and in the world.

Another Hidden Cost of Poverty

2009-12-02T09:02:00.000-08:00

Apparently my recent move into a house one main street south of my old apartment has put me into a new zipcode, which just made my car insurance go up. :( Personally, I think my new street is negligably more or less safe than the old one. I suppose I should count my blessings--I remember talking to friends who said their car insurance soared when they moved into South LA. From an insurer's standpoint, it makes sense to assume there is a higher risk factor in areas with more accidents, or more vandalism, or other problems. But from the customer's standpoint, I personally am annoyed that moving from one zip code to the one next door can increase my cost. It's just another example of how it is more expensive to be poor (how ironic is it that wealthy individuals living in "better" areas are charged less than poor folks in my neighborhood for car insurance?).

CNN on homelessness and social media

2009-12-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

My friend made it onto the front page of CNN! Here's the article about him (he does great work). http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/12/01/horvath.homeless.website/index.html

After a Long Silence

2009-11-17T14:49:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I have written a post--or even thought about my blog! Since the last time I wrote, I've spent two months in Thailand, changed addresses and roommates for the third time in 6 months, changed job positions, killed a cockroach in my sleep, and had a host of other adventures that I shalln't share here. ;)

My internship with Servant Partners is over but I will be sticking around Pasadena for the time being and continuing to volunteer with Northwest Neighbors, which means living in a low income neighborhood in NW Pasadena and coleading a Bible study for junior high and high school girls from the neighborhood. I am excited to see what God has for the girls and for us in this coming year.

This week we studied the story of Jonah, who runs away from God, gets thrown overboard in a storm, and then God sends a fish to swallow him and spit him up. We talked about second chances and is it fair when God pursues and redeems "bad" people. As I was driving two of the girls home that night, we passed a police car busting someone on their street. The girls immediately told me that we needed to pray and proceeded to do so, instructing me to keep my eyes open since I was driving! After we prayed that the policeman would do his job right, that the judge would make a wise decision, and that the person being arrested would meet God in the middle of his troubles, decide to change, and have a second chance, one of the girls turned to me wide-eyed and said, "It's just like we read in Bible study! For him to have a second chance!"

Some of the best moments of my whole life are moments like that, when I see people encounter the gospel incarnate, made live in the daily moments of their existance. It's what makes everything else worthwhile--the roaches, the cross-cultural awkwardness, the hours of preparation, the struggles over discipline and boundaries. All made more than worth it for a single moment of witnessing another person encountering God in the midst of darkness.

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Random quotable moments from study so far this year...
"He's so skinny! He looks like Jesus!"
"I want to raise my kids like white people do." (what this means I have no idea!)
"And God said to it, 'Vomit him!'"

lol. I love junior highers and high schoolers!

Out of the Mouths of Kids

2009-06-04T09:34:00.001-07:00

As I was taking two of the junior high girls home last night...
"Jenny, you drive fast. But not as fast as Hilary!" (as my coleader zooms by us)
Oops! So much for being driving role models! Kids notice the littlest things. :P

Commitment

2009-05-17T21:37:00.001-07:00

Some days I am beginning to wonder if grown-up life is all about commitments. I committed to a collage for four years. Then I committed to the Servant Partners internship for two years. Now that the internship is coming to an end, and I am looking at other organizations that I might want to work with overseas, they all seem to require some kind of 2-5 year commitment. I'm currently thinking about a rooming situation with someone that would require committing to staying in Pasadena a year. And marriage and kids, both future hopes, are both lifelong commitments.

I am feeling a little commitment-phobic coming out of the internship. Maybe it's because I like to be sure when I commit to something, especially when it involves multiple years of my life. And I feel like there are so many pieces of my life and what I want that I don't have clarity about right now. Is it ok to have stages in one's adult life with minimal commitments and a lot of freedom to explore? Or is adulthood just a series of transitions from one commitment to another?

Should I take some time and space to be uncommitted, or is that simply creating dead space in my life and refusing to engage with reality? Am I simply burned out from the internship or is this the emergence of some kind of latent third culture kid issue about being unable to be decisive, commit, and settle down for fear of whatever other options may be closed off by doing so? Sigh.

Work Status

2009-05-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

I have been reflecting lately on the issue of status in the workplace. It really bothers me when people call me a "receptionist," or talk down to me, or insist that I get another staff member for them to talk with instead of me. "I'm the Intake Case Manager," I emphasize, when someone calls me the receptionist. Even our Exec Director introduced me to a possible funder today as "the person who answers the phones." :(

But what these little trigger spots have done for me is to open my eyes up to how much my status at work matters to me. I know that the corporate world would probably say to brand oneself as positively and as importantly as possible, in order to advance one's career and one's own interests. And on a personal level, it's more flattering to one's ego to be referred to as a case manager rather than as a receptionist. But that's not the person I want to be.

I want to be secure enough in my identity that it doesn't bother me when people miscall me a receptionist. I want to appreciate receptionists and other people in service jobs and to see them as equally beloved and talented children of God--and then it won't bother me to be called one of them. I want to care more about whether staff and clients can see God's love, compassion, and character through me than what title they choose to call me. I am not there yet--but that is who I want to become, by the grace of God.

Opportunities to Give

2009-04-30T16:40:00.001-07:00

Ok, I have a couple of shameless plugs for great opportunities to give :P These are too good NOT to post.

If you are looking for a Mother's Day present that will impact the lives of many moms including your own, consider donating to the nonprofit that I work for, PATH Achieve Glendale. If you give a gift of $25 towards helping homeless moms get back on their feet, PATH Achieve Glendale will send a Mother's Day card to your mom with a note that you have given a gift in their honor. The deadline was initially May 1st but I believe that they are extending it through the weekend, so give now! The website is http://www.achieveglendale.org/main.html

Also, if you have been hearing about all of the swine flu crazyness but are not sure how to respond other than washing your hands a lot and staying away from crowds, Transformación Urbana Internacional in partnership with Servant Partners is working to get face masks, soap, and bleach to marginalized families in Mexico City who cannot afford even these basic hygenic supplies. Check out the details here: http://laurbansnob.blogspot.com/2009/04/swine-flu.html

Endings and New Opportunities

2009-04-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been almost a month since I last posted. Oops!

Probably the most exciting development that I have not posted about is that I will be going to Bangkok, Thailand for two months this summer! I will be staffing one of InterVarsity Christian Fellowship's Global Urban Treks, where college students spend six weeks living and serving among the poor in some of the world's major urban slums. Bangkok is likely going to have two sites for the students--one working with Compassion International, teaching English to the children in their programs, and the other with Baan Chiwit Mai (House of New Life) working with men and women who have physical and mental disabilities. Right now we have seven students that are definitely coming, and I am SO excited for the opportunity to help pastor them through their summer of interactions across cultural and economic lines, in hopes that they might grow more and more fully into understanding the deep compassion of God and his commitment to justice. As a student in college I myself went on a Trek to Calcutta, India, and while the experience was somewhat overwhelming at the time, God really redeemed it and used it to press me into incorporating a greater commitment to justice into my life. Without the Trek, I don't know if I would have ever joined the Servant Partners internship.

Speaking of the internship, we only have a little over a month left. It has been a good ride. I have loved living in the L.A. area--the enormous diversity of food, easy access to beaches, sunny weather, more cultural events than is possible to ever attend in one's life, and on and on. The major downfall has been LA traffic! I have loved having Bible studies and fun nights with junior high girls from my neighborhood and seeing them be able to actually read a text and get something out of it themselves, seeing them begin to have a fuller understanding of what this Jesus is really about--and decide for themselves if they are interested in him. I've loved the chance to intervene in a small, small way for the health of my community and my city--especially for the poor in NW Pasadena. I've loved the community of SP friends and staff--people who are willing to listen to me and pray for me, to feed me hotok for the first time, to be serious as well as silly together. And even though there have been many weeks when I really did not want to go to Luke study or Acts study, I have been deeply impacted by all of the time that we have spent in those Scriptures--some things that I heard in Christianity but never thought much about have become real and alive to me--and that is cool!

I am ready for the internship to end but I will miss it when it is over. And next? That is a great question!

After the Trek I will be spending two weeks in Bangkok to visit various organizations there and see if I might be interested in joining any of them. After the trip I plan to return to Pasadena, continue working at my job, and seek to discern what comes next.

Post-racial is NOT color blind

2009-03-25T14:57:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from an article that made me think...

"When I was in school, I was a member of the Association for Latin American Students (ALAS), the Indian Student Association (ASHOKA), and the Asian-American Student Association (AAA). I joined them because I wanted to learn and I had friends who encouraged me to get involved. I learned about Diwali and Chinese New Year. I was able to learn because I didn’t feel insecure from the cultural differences. I didn’t feel threatened by these organizations nor did I wish or ask the question of why they existed in the first place. The flavors these people added to my life wouldn’t have happened had the university leadership or student leadership adapted the mindset of assimilation and ‘color-transparency’.

It’s being thrown around that the age of Obama brings this post-racial American time. That may well be, but the misconception lies hard in the definition of what ‘post-racial’ means. Many opinions throw the stipulation of I’m not a racist because I don’t see color. What they fail to realize is that opposite of racism is tolerance, not ignorance.

You don’t tolerate differing opinions by wishing they didn’t exist nor asking why aren’t they more mainstream. We don’t evolve into a better society until we become essentially what Barack is genetically: Both White and Black.

The day you can see a color and say ‘That is pretty cool. I am ok with that’ is the day our society becomes post-racial. To wish racial transparency is nothing more than exuding your own lack of self-identity and desire for the status quo."

http://ybpguide.com/2008/12/22/whats-with-this-whole-black-thing

This story about a white mom and her black daughter hit some of the same notes. I especially like this paragraph:

"People like to talk about being colorblind, about how we're all the same on the inside, that race shouldn't matter. I understand and don't disagree with their intent, but it seems to me that race should matter. Race is part of who we are. If I choose to disregard skin color, mine or my daughter's or anyone else's, I miss out on an integral part of what each of us brings to the table: a deep reservoir of history, culture, and beauty. Perhaps race doesn't fall into the category of qualifications, where it can easily be twisted into prejudice, but rather that of qualities, where it can inform and enrich. "

I certainly agree that I don't want my cultural identity to be simply washed under the table because as a monoracial but bicultural woman, I've found that color-blind usually means doing things the white way, and that does not leave room to encompass the whole of who I am. I want the white AND the Asian parts of me to be acceptable at the table. And I want to learn from, be enriched by, and mourn over the beauty and the pain of the experiences of those from different racial and cultural backgrounds than mine. Yet in the wider world, and especially in the media these days with the election of a biracial president, there is so much talk of seeing "past" race, talk that is coded in other words but the essence of which sounds a lot like a wish to be "color blind." It's so frustrating to hear because I don't think it's helpful to us as individuals or as a nation.

Your thoughts on any of this?

Basketball on the concrete

2009-03-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

The favorite sight of my week so far was leaving work yesterday and seeing all of the men staying in our shelter outside playing a pickup basketball game with each other. The thunk of the ball on the concrete and against the backboard, the shouts of the men as they jostled for the ball--if I closed my eyes it could have been in a squatter community in Manila, Philippines or at a park in my own neighborhood in Pasadena.

I also had the privilege today of bringing some of my own clothes that are nice but that I don't wear very often to help out one of our clients who was homeless previously and is now living in transitional housing with her son. She put in a lot of work to become trained as a hairstylist and now with the economy the way that it is, she can't find work. I've dropped off old clothes at a Goodwill before, but that's so different that digging out your nice but rarely used clothes to give to someone that you've met. It gets a wee bit closer to satisfying the conviction of my heart when I read John's words in Luke: If you have two jackets, give one to your neighbor who doesn't have one. Now I still have way more than two jackets, but knowing that some of the clothes that were previously hanging lonely in my closet will now be used by someone who really needs it--it feels like an absolute privilege to be able to give to her.

Job Searching as a Homeless Person

2009-03-17T13:44:00.001-07:00

I'm going to steal this link from my friend Mark on the difficulties of finding a job when homeless. It's hard enough for housed folks to find a job right now, but finding one when you are homeless has always been hard.

Road Rage

2009-03-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

Before moving to L.A., I always had a vague idea that the only people who had road rage were those with extreme anger management issues. But road rage is a strange phenomenon in L.A.. People always seem to be angry when they are driving. I myself get angry much more easily then I ever did before. I actually almost flipped someone off the other day, which is not like me! The only reason I didn't was for fear of what they might do back. As a friend said the other day about his own road rage encounter, "I was just glad I didn't get shot."
Anger and speed seem to be part of driving culture in this city. People are always in their cars, always on the way to somewhere, and always want to get there as fast as possible. On the freeway on my commute to work, most cars are going between 70-80 miles per hour. The cars going "only" 60 make you crazy because they slow up all the traffic, with people weaving around them. So in a city that's always in a hurry, anything that slows people down even for a few seconds annoys them (I confess I have become guilty as well of this phenomenon).
If you live in LA, what do you think about road rage in the city? If you've visited, did you notice it when you were here?

Trust in the midst of Doubt

2009-02-28T13:33:00.000-08:00

"Trusting God does not mean that we will never have questions, doubts, or fears. We cannot simply turn off the natural thoughts and feelings that arise when we face difficult circumstances. Trusting God means that in spite of our questions, doubts, and fears we draw on his grace and continue to believe that he is loving, that he is in control, and that he is always working for our good. Such trust helps us to continue doing what is good and right, even in difficult circumstances."

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) p. 65

I love this quote because my natural response when I am afraid or have doubts is to beat myself up for lack of faith and to feel shame in approching God because of my perceived lack of faith. But to be afraid, to still have doubts, and to plunge forward on the path that is right, staking my life on the trust that God will come through on his promises, is another kind of response entirely.

A Different Beat

2009-02-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

One of my fellow interns in Servant Partners was featured in a promotional video for the Urbana conference!

Living among the Stars

2009-02-20T15:23:00.001-08:00

The benefit (?) of living in LA--you run into entertainment stars in the course of every day life. I met Danny Roebuck, shook his hand, and chatted with him for a few minutes one day while working at my job. He was very nice, and he said at the end of our conversation that he sees his daughter growing up to be like me. (!) Of course, being me, I didn't even know he was famous! :P

HPV required?

2009-02-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Today I learned that the HPV vaccine has been made mandatory for immigrant women and girls between 11-26 applying for a visa to enter the USA. This disturbs me. The medical community thinks that this vaccine is safe, but really it hasn't been around long enough to know its long-term effects. It's not mandatory for American women to receive the vaccine, although from all my recent doctor's visits I can tell you that they are sure pushing it. Basically, to me the HPV vaccine seems different than the other infectious disease vaccines that immigrants are required to get, and it doesn't seem like it should be one of the required vaccines. What if France decided that US female citizens couldn't apply to come to France unless they'd been vaccinated for HPV?
If you follow this link, you can learn more about the objections to this newly created requirement and sign the petition if you so desire.
Here's what Angry Asian Man's blog says about it: "Many groups, including NAPAWF [National Asian Pacific American Women's Forum], believe the HPV vaccine should not be required of immigrants because it isn't currently required of U.S. citizens in any jurisdiction, and it's one of the most expensive vaccines on the market, basically making the already huge financial burden that much harder for immigrant women and their families. Shouldn't immigrant women, like all women, have the right to weigh the risks and benefits involved with making a medical decision, such as the HPV vaccine, and make an informed decision for themselves?"
Your thoughts?

Fair Trade Flowers?

2009-02-13T15:29:00.001-08:00

I had no idea that issues of fair trade affected the flower market, but it makes sense. With Valentine's Day coming up tomorrow, check this out...http://fairtrade.change.org/blog/view/fairness_in_flowers
It may be too late to plan for this year, but not for the next time you buy flowers. Hmm. I wonder if I can even find fair trade flowers in Pasadena?

Next Quest: Sustainability

2009-02-12T17:58:00.000-08:00

Last night at my church small group, I was chatting with a friend when we started comparing strategies for staying awake while driving. Both of us work full time jobs and then come home to invest in relationships with at-risk kids and youth in our low-income neighborhoods. I also spend many evening hours at Servant Partners trainings whereas she doesn't, but she has kids over at her place almost daily until very late at night. Suffice to say, we are both pretty tired! So we laughed and joked about blasting music on the commute to work, turning on the A/C full blast, and sometimes resorting to slapping ourselves in the face to keep focused.

It struck me today, however, as I thought back to our conversation, that this is not a very good thing that we are so tired we have trouble concentrating while driving. I joined the Servant Partners internship because I wanted to learn how to incorporate loving the poor into my life, as Jesus did, and I wanted it to become part of me, part of who I am and how I operate. In many ways, that's taken place. I've received some experience and practical training, and as I consider my future, I am compelled to take into account how to include living out Jesus' call to care for the poor and the oppressed. But I think the next step for my life is to figure out how to do this sustainably, without exhaustion and burnout, and to find a balance that can last--for one's own sake and for modeling a healthy example for the kids and neighborhood. Figuring out a balance that doesn't involve hitting oneself in order to avoid a traffic accident.

It's worse when you don't have a home

2009-02-12T17:53:00.000-08:00

I realized this week that I should complain less about having been sick for nearly seven weeks straight. Two homeless women that came into our access center this week were sick, one with a cold and one with the flu. How awful to feel terrible--exhausted, full of snot, feverish--and have to sit for hours, fill out paperwork, and talk to various people to apply for help. How awful to not have a place of one's own to stay home in and a bed of one's own to curl up in. :(

Beautiful Feet

2009-02-11T22:25:00.001-08:00

When I hear songs like this one, it reminds me of why I am in L.A. Why I signed on for two years with Servant Partners to live in the city and why I spend my Monday nights with at-risk junior high Latinas. Why learning about Jesus's passion for the poor and oppressed has permanently warped the direction of my life.

Myths about Giving

2009-02-02T17:13:00.001-08:00

After working in financial development at the American Red Cross and as an intake case manager at a homeless access center, I have discovered that there are several common myths about giving to nonprofits that may seem true, but are actually quite unhelpful. These come up SO frequently that I felt compelled to address them!

Myth #1: If I give $5, $1, or 50 cents to a nonprofit, it's all good because it doesn't cost me much and it still adds up to benefit them.
False! If you give that little to an agency, it will cost them MORE to process the donation, cross-check the information, and send you a thank you than your donation is actually worth. Think about it: the stamp alone is 42 cents! You are actually causing your beloved nonprofit to LOSE money processing your donation. The bigger chunks of $ you give, the more money actually goes to the cause that you believe in, because each donation takes relatively the same amount of time (and therefore money) to process. Since working in the donations section of the Red Cross, I no longer give less than $20 at a time. My coworker, who has been working there longer, doesn't give in smaller increments than $50. Can't afford to give that much? Pool your money with friends or family members, do the work of combining the money on your end, and send the donation with one check or credit card. Holding a penny drive for an organization? Do the work of taking all those pennies to the bank yourself to get a cashier's check that you can take to the agency, instead of wasting some staff member's time making them count ridiculous numbers of pennies (oh yes, I have had to do this). If you give tiny amounts of money, the only one that will benefit is you, because you will feel good but nothing will actually be accomplished with your gift.

Myth #2: I hate to throw away my stained & ripped clothes or my broken appliances, so if I donate them, someone can make use of them.
False! Homeless shelters are NOT your local trash removal service! If your clothes are stained or ripped, throw them away or use them as rags around your house. I also used to hate to throw anything away that could possibly be useful, but honestly, staff at homeless shelters do not have time to mend your stuff. Same goes for broken TVs, breadmakers, computer monitors, etc. Trash those items yourself, because if you donate them, they are going to go into the trash anyway. Or find businesses that specialize in rebuilding old computers, for example, and take your applicable items directly to them. Give away your nice clothes, your homemade scarves, your coats, and remember to make sure they are CLEAN. Remember, homeless men and women need to go to job interviews and such too, and wearing your ripped tshirt is not going to help them out.

Myth #3: But I LOVE your organization! Why are you rejecting my [clothes, broken TV, insert whatever item you like]? I don't want to give to any other organization; I want to support YOU!
False! Umm, allow me to point out that if you truly want to support an organization, you will find out what is actually helpful to them instead of imposing what you think is helpful. A particular homeless shelter may not happen to accept clothing donations, but perhaps they need help with a new sock drive for their clients, or they need a new microwave, or they could use sugar for their shelter, or they have homeless children that could use tutoring or a game night. Ask what needs they have, and then try to address those needs. Of course it is worth trying to find a second home for the items that you have and no longer need--that's practicing sustainability and generousity--but if a place turns you down, stop harassing them to accept your stuff and find someone or someplace that it will actually be useful for! Or call various agencies to find out what kind of donations they accept so that when something does come along that you want to give away, you know who it will actually benefit.

Anyone have more myths about giving that they want to address?

Many nonprofits could not survive without the kindness and generousity of their doners, but if you really want to be a giver who makes a difference--who TRULY makes a difference instead of just making yourself feel good--try to remember the truth about these three myths. And good luck with your giving!! :)

my life: the story of God's faithfulness

2009-01-22T13:50:00.001-08:00

When I look back over 2008, one of the defining phrases that comes to mind is God’s faithfulness. 2008 had some very difficult patches. Working at the Red Cross was draining because it didn’t connect with any of my interests, and depressing because I had been job searching for so long for a permanent position and couldn’t find one. Adjusting to my new job at the homeless access center has been emotionally exhausting and even still seven months into the job, I sometimes hit very rough patches. Added onto that all of the relational difficulties that strained my living situation during the start of winter, and there were times when I felt literally sick with worry every moment I was awake.

But I don’t mean for this to be a depressing litany of woes. Rather, when I look back at the year, what stands out as even brighter than the dark times is God’s persistent faithfulness through it all. When I couldn’t find a permanent job, he was faithfully teaching me that my worth isn’t from my work, but from my identity as his beloved daughter. When I went through periods of feeling very attacked at work, he provided me with friends to pray with me and comfort me and gave them verses from his Word to encourage me. When I hit the lowest point at all with one of my closest friendships in L.A., and it looked like in human terms that the ship was on fire and sinking, he gave me the story about Jesus calming the storm as a promise to cling onto. I am not a big fan of suffering, but I have truly found that when I come to the end of myself, God has never dropped me. It’s only when things have been outside my own control that I have learned more about God’s faithfulness and trustworthiness.

Our intern class is reading the book of Acts right now as well as The Heavenly Man, an autobiography of a leader in China’s house church movement. When I read their stories, I wonder how they could respond to the threat of death, to intense persecution and torture, and to terrifying situations by praising God. What? That makes no sense. But when I think about the many times this year that I have cried out to God in desperation and seen his faithfulness come through, even when it doesn’t necessarily look like I want it to or mean the removal of all suffering, I’m filled with thankfulness to God as well. I’m still wrestling with what it means to trust in God and in his promises of protection if great pain is not kept from us, but I am hopeful that as I continue to read the stories of those who have walked a much more difficult road, it will help me along the journey.

"We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God" Acts 14:22b
“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.” II Corinthians 4:8-10

Ps. I want to share a story about God’s faithfulness that even happened these last couple weeks! It was my turn to lead the Bible study for the junior high girls, and it was two hours before the study and I had no idea what to talk about. I decided that before picking a random passage, perhaps it might be a good idea to actually ask God if there was anything that the girls particularly needed to hear. As I listened quietly, a very difficult week that I’d recently had at work came to mind, and I began to think about how my experience might be helpful to them. I opened up the Bible to the book of Luke and came to a passage about worry. Immediately, even though that wasn’t the major feature of my own hard week, I felt like that’s what we needed to talk about. So when study time came around, I shared what of my experience connected with worry, and then we read the part where Jesus talks about don’t worry, because your heavenly Daddy takes care of even the sparrows and how much more precious are you to him than birds. And we read the verse about not worrying, but talking to God about our troubles when they come. The girls are not usually super expressive about study, but they really engaged with the text, and afterwards one of the girls came up and hugged me twice. She told me “thank you” over and over and said that she had been having a lot of worry about her grades, because she is doing so poorly in school. I encouraged her that when she felt worried, she could talk to God about it anytime anywhere. But how amazing is that—that God knew exactly what was going on for her this week and wanted to speak to her about it?!! My own faith is so encouraged when I see God answer prayers and personally deal with us right where we are at.

Precarious positions for nonprofits

2009-01-15T11:05:00.000-08:00

My work made the news! (although not for a great reason)
One of the awful things about a recession/depression is that at the same time as individuals and families are going through hard times and losing their jobs and shelter, state and federal budgets are also being slashed. So that means that for non-profits, not only are donations from individuals down, but the government aid they receives is drastically cut at the very time as more and more people need help. Demand skyrockets while supply is stuck at a stagnant level or even forced to decrease. :( Help your friends, help your neighbors, help your family--don't leave it to the systems to take care of them during these times.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-31T15:13:00.000-08:00

Due to all the snow and ice that hit Oregon, instead of my family driving down to California for Christmas, they flew me up to Oregon to join them. It was only by the extraordinary grace of God and people that I made it--grace that let me cut in front of folks to the front of each line at LAX when I was running through the airport about to miss my flight, grace that my flight's take off was delayed, grace that planes were able to land at PDX the day of my flight, grace that we made it safely to my grandparents' place despite snowy, icy roads.
We spent most of the time stranded inside up on our hill, as McMinnville is unused to several feet of snow, but that was ok by me since I was sick the whole time. :( The only downside was not being able to visit college friends who were only in the next town over. It was such a blessing to be with my family for almost a week, even though I wasn't feeling well.
Here are some more pictures. :)

This is me and my sister...

Making snow people...
Isn't this beautiful?
My family :)
Me and my siblings. You can tell who has recently had their growth spurt!

Homelessness in America

2008-12-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

Did you know that 1 in 10 Americans is receiving food stamps because they don’t make enough money to eat? I was shocked. People tell me this is the “richest country in the world” and yet one out of every ten people cannot eat without government assistance. That’s crazy. Something is very very wrong.

With the downturn in the economy, I was having a conversation with one of my coworkers about how the line between being housed and homeless is so very thin for most of us. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't have 3-6 months living expenses saved up if I were to be laid off or temporarily disabled. I don't even think I could pay the rent on my apartment currently without a roommate. Thankfully I do have medical insurance through my job, unlike many folks who will go overwhelmingly into debt to try to pay medical bills for health conditions that simply must be addressed. But if something did happen, I know blood family and family in Jesus who would take me in and make sure I was ok. As I hear more and more people's stories, I'm realizing that staying out of homelessness requires not only financial resources but also social resources to help get one through the inevitable bumps that come in life. Folks have a much harder fight without those social resources or if they've been struggling so long that their social connections push them away. I've seen so many folks come in here because a family member finally kicked them out...middle aged man evicted by his brother, very young woman with a tiny baby evicted by her mom, 20 something young man evicted by his dad...the list goes on. I think, if we all took care of our own family, friends, and neighbors, how would that change the numbers of homeless? But then, in a society where money is just about taboo to discuss, it's hard to help if we don't know our family and neighbors' real situations.

One of my coworkers here at the homeless access center used to be homeless himself for a stint sixteen years ago. He writes a very real, honest blog found at www.hardlynormal.com and much of what he writes relates to homelessness. I’d definitely suggest checking it out if you are interested in homelessness, domestic poverty, and/or the role of the church in justice—or if you aren’t interested but want to become interested! He also posts short videos of homeless individuals telling their stories on www.invisiblepeople.tv.

For other blogs on homelessness, check out…
LA’s Homeless Blog
End Homelessness
and this compilation of various resources at Homeless News

Hope

2008-12-30T14:10:00.000-08:00

My roommate and I have joked before about how she is a pessimist and I am an optimist. She takes a hard look at what is going wrong in a situation, and I tend to focus on what is going right. One day we were having a conversation with a friend and we mentioned this difference, and he said that he felt like followers of God shouldn’t aim to be pessimists or optimists but rather people of hope, able to acknowledge the darkness and evil in this life but still maintain hope in a God who saves. I came across this quote in an article on urbana.org and it reminded me of that conversation:

"And I came to understand that God challenged me to move beyond pessimism and to confront unrealistic optimism. I came to understand that biblical hope in Jesus makes me an incredible realist. It goes to the world of pain, and sits with people in their pain and their suffering, and tries to understand the illusions that people grasp hold of, and lovingly challenges them."

It's beginning to get to me

2008-12-04T16:32:00.000-08:00

Some days I feel like this is the theme song of my life in this season (best listened to loudly and angstily).

spotlight on Thailand

2008-11-25T21:41:00.000-08:00

Oh dear, protesters in Thailand have shut down Bangkok's International Airport. This drawn out struggle between the anti-government protesters, the government, and the pro-government protesters is becoming ridiculous. It's hard to know what's really happening just reading BBC News and the Bangkok Post and trying to understand the situation as best as I can, but even though I am all for people power, it seems to me that the anti-government protesters' demands might actually decrease democracy in Thailand and especially further marginalize the voices of the rural poor (check out this article, in which the region I grew up in--Isaan--is mentioned!). But I don't know for sure. Your thoughts?

A belated Election Night post!

2008-11-24T20:24:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to blog about election night ever since it happened, but somehow the last few weeks have simply run away with themselves. By this point everyone is probably thankful that the election drama is over and that the media has stopped obsessing with it...and here I go and bring it up again. What can I say?

The reason I want to blog about election night was because I have never experienced anything quite like it. Let me start at the beginning. I voted before I went to work in the morning, and mid-way through the day I became so sick that my boss sent me home. I could barely drive back to my apartment, I felt so sick. So instead of following the tense tallying of votes, I was in bed, trying to sleep. I had finally drifted off, when from deep in a cloud of sleep, I heard a woman screaming. And screaming. And screaming. I'll be honest, it freaked me out to be woken up by that. I live in a low income neighborhood that has its own troubles of violence and domestic abuse, so my first thought was not good. But then I heard all these car horns honking and honking. It took my foggy brain a few moments to comprehend, but then I realized--the election results must be in!! I fumbled down from my bunk bed to peer out the window, and I saw a small group of people collected on the street corner, shouting and jumping, and cars honking exuberantly as they drove by.

I was pretty sure that since my neighborhood is mostly African American, people would not be going this crazy unless Obama had won, but I had to know for sure! And I decided that even though I wasn't feeling well and could look it up on the Internet, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to participate with my neighbors in whatever was happening. So I got dressed and went outside in front of my house. "What were the results? Did Obama win?" I asked breathlessly. "He won! He won!" exclaimed the young African American woman I'd asked, and before I knew it the two of us were hugging and screaming and I was asking her twice to make sure it was true. I walked down to the street corner with her where a small group of other folks were and they were all smiling and occasionally jumping up and down and dancing. One guy started break dancing right there on the sidewalk. Two girls were dancing in the street. People I'd never met in my life were hugging me. And the car horns were going crazy, thanks to people on the street corners holding up Obama signs and waving them.

It was a weird mix of emotions for me. It was an absolute privilege to be able to participate in this joyfully historic moment, especially for the African American community. People were so gracious to share their joy with me, to hug me and smile at me and talk to me even though we were perfect strangers. It was probably one of the first times in my life when I felt excited, hopeful and proud to be a citizen of this country (sorry, friends, I'm not known for my american patriotism). And yet it felt very awkward to be the only white person standing there most of the time, with the exception of a couple white folks who were there for a few moments. This was compounded by the fact that because I was so sick, my screaming and exuberance were a little limited--everyone else was going crazy and I was counting myself doing good to be standing up--so I definitely felt afraid of looking like the lame white person. But even though inside I felt super awkward, I choose to stay standing on the corner anyway, because being there at all felt like the more courageous (and rewarding) thing to do, instead of retreating back inside my apartment. All in all, it was an amazing experience, and even with all my inner awkwardness, it was so much more worth it than looking up the stats on the Internet!

angry :(

2008-11-11T04:01:00.000-08:00

In my dreams last night, I remember saying very distinctly, either to myself or someone else in the dream: "I'm bitter at America and at American Christians."

Then I woke up and thought, woah, what is going on with me that I would say that so clearly in my sleep?

As I was lying there thinking about it, I think that the root of those feelings is hurt. Hurt stored up from all of the times I visited America over my childhood and adolescence and the hurtful things that people would say in sheer ignorance about the country that I'm from or about the people that I love. When you are asked as an elementary schooler in all seriousness if you eat real food or if you ride an elephant to school or live in a grass hut, you start to think that the people asking you those questions are kind of stupid. As a kid, life growing up in Thailand just made sense, it was the way things were, and when I encountered other kids who didn't have any concept of my whole world, I thought their questions were pretty silly. Patience has never been one of my defining virtues!

Of course, moving into college, the hurtful comments became more complex and generalistic. No, I don't think that America is the best country in the world. I've lived in three countries and I can't call any of them the best country in the world. No, I don't think that America is this wonderful Christian nation and every other country is heathan through and through. How can that account for the many other countries where the Christian faith is vibrant and exploding whereas it appears to be shrinking in this country? No, I don't think that every single other person in the world would give their right foot to live in America. Certainly a lot of folks would, but there are also a lot of folks that you could not pay to come live in America. No, I don't think that America is on a mission to keep peace and democracy and civilization alive in the rest of the world (hello? have you looked at our foreign policy??). Most of these things are myths that American culture instructs its children in from the time that they are very young, through the media, the political leaders, parents, and yes, religious leadership. So intellectually I know it is really a question of enculturation, not an entire population's arrogance and lack of sense, but emotionally it's been really painful at points as a missionary kid to navigate through it all. Especially when questioning those myths means people label you "unpatriotic" and they definitely don't mean it as a good thing.

That hurt is probably at the root of all the anger that is stored up in me.
I. am. angry.
It doesn't come out very often, but it's there.

But because I know Jesus, I know that living in anger and irreconciliation is not a good place to be or an acceptable place to stay. Even if I don't want to, I have to learn how to forgive. And I have to have compassion and forgive others' ignorance in the midst of a deep awareness of my own ignorance, brokenness and need for God. And even as I write this, dear readers, I must ask for your patience and forgiveness if anything I've said as I've been trying to understand and process my experience has been hurtful to you. Thanks for sticking with me in the journey.

Right now, my life feels like a house of cards, teetering precariously and barely held together. I feel fragile. And adding one more healing issue to deal with on top of everything else just does not seem manageable. So perhaps this one will keep lurking in the corner to be dealt with another day.

Another Awkward Interaction

2008-11-10T15:58:00.000-08:00

On the subject of interactions with homeless folks, a couple weekends ago I was walking in Old Town Pasadena, trying to get through a long list of errands, when an older African American homeless man sitting by the sidewalk called out to me. I stopped reluctantly and he asked me if I might be able to buy him something to eat. I said sure, and he asked for a meal from the food establishment across the street, so I said that I'd go get it and be back. As I walked away, I was thinking to myself, "Dang it, God! If Jesus was here he'd take the food back and sit with that gentleman and talk to him. But I'm busy!" Then the man called out to me, "Do you know the Lord?" "Yes," I said. "Then come back here and talk to me after you get the food." (Shoot!) "Ok," I called back.

So I bought the food and took it back to him and sat down. We actually ended up having a pretty good conversation. He told me about his story of becoming homeless (which I took with a grain of salt, since some folks get good at coming up with stories in order to survive). He told me about how much he hates his father, and I told him that no matter what horrible things people have done to us, if we hang onto hate, it's only going to hurt ourselves, but that forgiveness is really the only way to be released from that.

Unfortunately, towards the end of the conversation, he was insistent on asking me for money. I looked at him and I told him, 'You just finished telling me all about your struggles with drugs and alcohol! Because I care about you, I am not going to give you money.' (being in the serving homelessness business, I also knew about several options in town for folks to find free food, so this gave me more backbone) And I stuck firmly to that, even though he didn't stop asking me. Once he gave up on that, then he wanted me to commit to a day and time when I'd come visit him again. This idea made me kind of uncomfortable, so I wouldn't do that either. He was pretty disappointed by that, but I told him I would try to come by some other time and see him, I just couldn't give him a day and time. And then I left.

As I was reflecting back over our conversation later, I think that good parts of our conversation including spending a lot of time allowing him to be listened to and that it was also good to feel boldly empowered to speak a few morsels of truth into his life. But as I reflected, I felt more and more uncomfortable about him, especially in regard to sex and gender. Even though he's a generation older than me, he kept making comments throughout our conversation that made me very uncomfortable, for instance telling me multiple times how much he likes white women, saying that I would be too much for him in bed--and then trying to reassure me that he wasn't hitting on me!!, saying that he is good in bed, etc. Ewww. I know that he's a man dealing with his own sin and mess, just like the rest of us, but I don't like it when his mess affects me.

So now I feel very stuck. I really don't want to see him or interact with him (actually, I confess I've gone out of my way to avoid the area when I met him last), but I also feel like I should keep my word and at least try to go by and find him at least one time. But definitely not by myself. Any wise thoughts on this one? And anyone want to keep me company if I do go by there again?

Make Sure You Vote Today!

2008-11-04T09:03:00.000-08:00

Southern California turns out to vote: with umbrellas and ready to wait

Thankfully the rain had stopped by the time I lined up at my voting place this morning. It took almost an hour from the time I first got to the line and when I was finished. Wow. Never having voted in the early morning before, I was surprised by the wait. In Oregon, I'd always voted by mail.

There's something appealing about gathering with other people from your neighborhood to vote, however. Black, white, Latino, multiracial (sorry, not really many Asians where I live) all coming together to cast their votes for the direction of their society. My neighbor brought along his young son to see how voting works. Voting in person makes it so much more of a communal thing--a "we're all in this together" thing. And that is what makes it worth the wait.

Update to my previous post

2008-10-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

**As an update...** In our staff meeting yesterday we debriefed the situation with the man and the old lady who were arguing, and the general conclusion was that the best approach to such a situation would be to stay physically out of the way (so that you don't get hurt), but to still verbally engage the situation and try to de-escalate it, double-teaming it with another staff member so that each person focused on one of the clients. I'm glad that by God's grace, it worked out ok the way that it actually happened and that none of us got hurt, but that us as staff therefore had the chance to talk about what it would be best to do in a similar situation. It still goes against my instinct to stay physically out of the situation, even when the 91 year old woman is the one provoking the disagreement, but I can also kinda see the point that you won't be able to keep the situation under control if you yourself are hurt and out of commission. sigh. Ah well, at least the important thing for now is that everyone is ok.

Arg...Conflict!!

2008-10-21T19:52:00.000-07:00

I think that my job at the homeless access center is a crash course in how to deal with conflict--most of it unfortunately conflict with people that I have no previously established relationship/trust with. At the end of last week I had a homeless woman just go off on me about how she felt like we were wasting her time and treating her disrespectfully and nobody cared and that I was giving her attitude. Well, I hadn't been giving her attitude, but when she spoke to me like that I confess that I did respond with some then! In thinking over the situation for the next couple days, I concluded that I want to learn how to respond to people's frustration and anger in a way that lets their emotions roll over me so that I can stay calm and not-angry myself, and to figure out how to respond constructively to the situation. I've decided to work on a new approach. As one of my mentors helped me realize, it seems like one of the very frustrating things about being homeless is that everyone else is always telling you what to do and your own voice and will get lost in the shuffle. So when people express frustration to me this week, I've been trying to start off with simply letting them know that I hear them, and that yes, I see how that must be frustrating, instead of starting off with a "but" argument. We'll see if this helps, or at least if it helps me to stay compassionate and collected instead of angry!

Then today I had a whole different kind of conflict to deal with! Usually I sit at a desk behind a very high counter (about chest high), which is between the lobby and me. This is for safety purposes. A new individual had come in to apply for our services and I'd been working with him on getting the paperwork filled out. Then my supervisor, who happens to be African American, walked by on the way to her office. At this point, the client made some racist comments basically to the effect that he could not be in the same place with African Americans. My coworker informed him that in that case, our shelter was probably not a good fit for him, since a lot of the folks we serve are black (we serve more white homeless folks than any other ethnic group, but African Americans are second). It was definitely an awkward and offensive exchange (we had other clients waiting right there in the lobby who are black!!) and he left.

About fifteen minutes later I happened to be out in the lobby helping a client when he walked back in again to get a phone number for another shelter from us. A tiny white 92 year old homeless woman took one look at him and said, "You again!" Well, he responded with, "You have a problem with that?" and then she walked right up to him and got in his face. I had horrible visions flashing through my mind of what if he pushed her or something and the frail thing fell over and broke something--I just didn't know what was going to happen! I didn't even think about it--I just knew I had to get between them--so I slipped right between the two of them, at the same time asking her to please be quiet and not say anything to him. For a second, standing there right in front of him, I really wished that I was behind that counter! But I was able to deflect his attention off of her and on to me, and to get him to focus on what he was looking for from our agency instead of on his conflict with her. I wanted to get him out of the door as quickly as I could and I was not willing to go out of my way to personally get him into a non-walk-in shelter (since it's bad for us and for the chances of future clients if we give bad referrals) so I did not give him any new phone numbers, just told him to try the walk-in shelter that I'd previously told him about. Solely by the grace of God he chose to leave without doing anything or creating more of a scene. I was the tiniest bit shaken up by it all, but mostly glad that it had turned out ok and that physical conflict had been avoided all around. Sigh. I am NOT a conflict loving person, so this job is definitely stretching me!

Some Things Cost More Than You Realize

2008-10-12T20:55:00.001-07:00

Just found out about a documentary being shown this week on modern day slavery. As I was browsing their website at www.Call+Response.com, I came across this short music video set to a Radiohead song, juxtaposing two little boys in very different situations--and the connection between them. Definitely worth watching. The cool thing about the call+response website is that it's not only informative, but it offers some different ways to get involved in the fight to end slavery and human trafficking. I'm hoping to go see the documentary this week if I'm able.

New website!

2008-10-07T13:46:00.000-07:00

Servant Partners has an awesome new website, complete with lots of cool pictures. Drop by and check it out! :)

"Otherizing" and American Politics

2008-10-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

When I was a freshman in college, we all had to take a class called "War and its Alternatives." I remember reading about how one of the consistantly used propaganda tools in warfare is to "otherize" the purported enemy. Cartoons and verbal descriptions picturing the enemy as animals are one example of how this is often accomplished (think World War II ads depicting the Nazis as apes, or even more recently cartoons that show President Bush as a mouse with large ears). Such propaganda decreases the ability of the public to emphathize and relate to the "enemy" and increases the public's keenness to see the enemy destroyed.

New York Times columnist Nicolas Kristof recently wrote a column piece on "The Push to 'Otherize' Obama." It's an excellent piece to read in its entirety, but here's one quote from the article:

"What is happening, I think, is this: religious prejudice is becoming a proxy for racial prejudice. In public at least, it’s not acceptable to express reservations about a candidate’s skin color, so discomfort about race is sublimated into concerns about whether Mr. Obama is sufficiently Christian. The result is this campaign to “otherize” Mr. Obama. Nobody needs to point out that he is black, but there’s a persistent effort to exaggerate other differences, to de-Americanize him. Raising doubts about a candidate based on the religion of his grandfather is toxic and profoundly un-American, cracking the melting pot we emerged from. "

And as Eugene Cho points out in his blog, we can see "otherizing" efforts directed at the Republican party as well, notably with the attacks on Sarah Palin, although here race is not the key factor. Honestly, I'm not a big fan of her, but why drag into the fray the fact that she likes mooseburgers, if not to paint her as some crazy hick from the far off reaches of Alaska??

Your thoughts on "otherizing" and this presidential election or on the possibility of racism cloaked in religious prejudice/preference?

New Monasticism: Deepening our Pursuit of Reconciliation

2008-09-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

There's been a good conversation happening on the God's Politics blog about the New Monastic movement and the challenges it has faced to sufficiently address racial reconciliation (for a short description of the New Monastic movement, check out this article on wikipedia). I highly recommend checking out a couple of the posts, especially for those involved in incarnational urban ministry or those who are interested in these issues. The most recent post, by Chanequa Brown, articulates a few ways in which those already involved in the New Monastic movement can help to throw open the doors of the movement for people of color to have more equal access, voice, and influence.

On Learning Centering Prayer

2008-09-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

In the garden, settling down to wait,
White metal bench cold under my bare feet,
I close my eyes.
Shh...settle down, my thoughts.
Be still.

God -- God -- God
One word dropped gently into the stillness
Rippling out like water in a pond.
Like an infant snuggled at its mother's breast,
Blindly opening its mouth for milk,
I wait.
Oh Infinite, have mercy on the ignorant
And come near.

In the distance, a dog barks.
The metal bench cuts into my back.
Grumbling, a car starts up and my toes are cold.
I peek at my watch.
Only ten minutes passed!
Shh...settle down, my thoughts.
Be still and wait.
Shh, rest in the presence of the Eternal.
Shh.

The cool breeze slips timidly over my skin
As I open my eyes. The garden is still.
Shh! A coyote runs by, ears up, limping on three legs,
As I hold my breath and break into a smile.

Willamette love

2008-09-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

I have a mixed relationship with my alma mater. Willamette was an outstanding place for me to grow, to be pushed to write well and often, to think critically, to thrive in a community of loving friends. I loved going to college there. But Willamette also frustrates me because, like many small liberal arts universities, it has difficulty attracting and retaining significant numbers of minority professors, and it also harbors a lot of white students who, just as in wider society, just don't get all the hullaballoo over racial justice and reconciliation and wish everyone would stop making such a big deal about it. I know those troubles are far from unique to Willamette, but it makes me sad.

All that being said, I was glad to see Willamette's name pop up recently for something good. The National Wildlife Federation (NWF) has highlighted Willamette in their 2008 "National Report Card on Sustainability in Higher Education." Out of the 1,068 colleges and universities surveyed, "the school engaged in the greatest number of [sustainability] activities is Willamette University in Salem, Oregon. Willamette is committed to energy efficiency and conservation, greener transportation, environmentally friendly landscaping practices, as well as to orienting personnel and faculty to the sustainability goals of the campus."

Sweet! Ah yes, more things to love about having gone to a small liberal arts college in Oregon :)

Thai Political Crisis

2008-09-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

This is becoming ridiculous. I've been following the political crisis in Thailand off and on as the drama unfolds, and the prime minister who was forced to step down two days ago has apparently just been nominated again by his party to resume the position. Which doesn't solve any of the frustrations of the protesters or of the other parties. Sigh. When will a positive and effective solution be found?

If the World Could Vote...

2008-09-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

...in the U.S. election, Obama would probably win. I point this out not to promote Obama per say, even though I do acknowledge that I prefer him as a candidate, but to bring attention to how the rest of the world sees what is currently happening here. And no, the rest of the world does not just think this because they are out to bring America down or any nonsense like that.

I bring this article up because America is far too deep in a bubble to usually see and understand the various perspectives of the international community, and therefore I feel compelled to keep poking holes in the bubble so that if we choose to, we can see out of it. I can't help it, it's how I grew up and how I see the world.

Food Justice

2008-09-08T22:07:00.001-07:00

I've become more and more interested in issues of food justice and sustainability over this last year. The effects that my grocery shopping and restaurant choices have on the environment, on labor rights, on poverty, and on my health are all becoming increasingly important to me. Diamante and I eat less meat now than we used to (I still like meat too much to become vegetarian, but for daily consumption it's not worth the environmental and health consequences for me). We sometimes buy our veggies and fruits at a farmer's market and we buy cage-free eggs at Trader Joe's. For my morning at-home cup of coffee ritual I purchase only fair trade coffee, I am beginning to buy more local, and we are starting to read the ingredients in packaged food more closely (I had NO IDEA high fructose corn syrup was in everything under the sun!). Yet it feels like just the tip of the iceberg. There's still so far to go, but baby steps will keep us going in the right direction. Besides, I love food and cooking too much to let it be spoiled with the bad taste of deliberately knowing my food choices are creating massive environmental degradation or contributing to the oppression of other people's lives.

From BBC: [there are] "a number of criteria that consumers should consider when buying food: how much energy and water are used to produce each calorie of food; what is the impact of the food item on climate, biodiversity, and the labour-force of the country it was grown in, and what are the health and financial costs of food."

If you are also interested in this topic, check out The Omnivore's Dilemma, Fast Food Nation, this Newsweek article on beef, and this BBC article on the eco-costs of food. And let me know in return of any other good resources on the topic that I should check out!

On Community

2008-09-08T21:24:00.001-07:00

Sometimes one of the hardest parts of community is acknowledging one's own need for other people, and not just other people's needs and the ways one can assist them. Not wanting to be a burden, or a complainer, or a needy person can keep us stuck in our own mess...granted some people are way too codependent, but there's a necessary messiness inherent in bringing out one's own issues instead of just helping other people solve theirs. This is hard for me to accept.

"Our sin is that stubborn part inside that wants, above all else, to be independent. There's a part of us fiercely committed to living in a way where we do not have to depend on anyone--especially God. Then culture comes along with figures like John Wayne and James Bond and all those other 'real men,' and the one thing they have in common is that they are loners, they don't need anyone. We come to believe deep in our hearts that needing anyone for anything is a sort of weakness, a handicap." John Eldredge

the "o word"

2008-09-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

"Oriental" has always been a word that feels offensive and derogatory to me, but in the past I haven't been able to articulate why. Then today I ran across this brief article, which discusses the "o-word" and why exactly it is so offensive when used to refer to people.

Where I seek my refuge

2008-09-02T21:16:00.000-07:00

Work has been rough these days; actually practically ever since I started. But our intern class got together yesterday to pray for each other about work related issues, and I was enormously blessed by the prayer time. I was feeling very discouraged and defenseless, and even though I didn't tell anyone that before we prayed, God gave people all these images and verses for me about security, rest and protection in him. I feel like I have verbal and pictorial promises of the love of God now to cling to in the midst of my day at work no matter how crazy it gets.

Driving home after work today, Natasha Bedingfield's song "Pocketful of sunshine" was playing on the radio and the chorus really resonated with what I want right now:

Take me away, a secret place
A sweet escape, take me away
Take me away to better days
Take me away, a hiding place

But then I was thinking about it and I think that God doesn't necessarily remove us out of situations when things get hard, but that in relationship with him he gives us what we need to be able to survive...and even thrive. I have no Caribbean island or Oregon forest to escape to for weeks on end; my only hiding place and refuge is Jesus my Rock. This seems like a more realistic theology for the city and for living amidst urban poverty than a theology of escapism. The escape I think I want is not necessarily what I need.

banning the dispossessed?

2008-09-02T14:18:00.000-07:00

Two news articles relevant to my work...

Finding L.A.'s hidden homeless

Homeward Banned, on homeless individuals banned from a homeless center in Dallas, TX. I have mixed feelings on this article, but I posted it because I wanted to make us think. The author is quite biased in favor of the individuals that have been banned from the shelter, arguing that they have been "banished from life itself."

From the perspective of someone who works in a homeless access center, I understand why people are banned. If an individual has threatened a staffmember or another person in our shelter, if they have deliberately and repeatedly destroyed the apartment that they are renting through our mental health program and harrassed the landlord, or if they have done other drastic things, they may be banned. There comes a point where it's too dangerous for other people for them to be receiving services at our location, or where we have attempted to provide all of the support and services we can and they choose to reject them and create chaos. People are banned for safety purposes and if they pose a serious problem for others receiving services. In general, I think hardcore homeless folks are homeless for a reason. Usually it's probably because they have serious mental health or addiction issues that keep them from making the steps they need to take or enabling them to work with the programs and agencies in existance. If people are sane enough and really want help, things can usually get better, although it can take a looong time to get all of the resources lined up.

But...fom the perspective of a follower of Jesus, I also see that no one is beyond the reach of the love of God, and that no one should be written off or abandoned by society. That's what christianity is supposed to be about...serving the lost and the least physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I just think that maybe there should be specialized agencies created to deal with people that are way out there on the edge, instead of expecting homeless agencies to serve the whole gamut of folks that are homeless, from those who have just fallen on hard times to those who are literally another kind of crazy.

Community

2008-08-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

As our Servant Partners class prepares for the start of our year long study of the biblical book of Acts, we have been taking the better part of this week to fast and meditate on what it means to be in community with each other. Fasting for each person looks different--some are eating only vegetables, some rice, some are fasting from non-food related things--but the common goal is the same. Here are some quotes that have struck me as I have reflected on what community is supposed to be and how I fit into that...

"A lot of people ask us about living all together. And it's easy to sum it up in one word that properly describes community--and that's forgiveness. Forgiving each other for leaving the garbage in the hall, for your kid swatting another kid--or you play music too loud or I don't like the meal. At the heart of community is forgiveness. That's what has changed me the most--learning to be gracious, humble, to be merciful. It's a touch of heaven, if you will, in a broken world." Tim Bock, business manager for Jesus People USA

"The mission of a community is to give life to others--that is to say, to transmit new hope and new meaning to them. Mission is revealing to others their fundamental beauty, value, and importance in the universe; their capacity to love, to grow, and to do beautiful things and to meet God." Jean Vanier, founder of L'Arche communities for developmentally disabled individuals & their caretakers

"Therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Apostle Paul, writing in Philippians 1:1-4

A Glimmer of Patriotism Emerges

2008-08-19T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have been accused of being very unpatriotic, but Jaroenrattanatarakoon P. has won gold for Thailand in the women's 53kg and I am proud! :)

Most of Thailand's medals have been in boxing, with taekwando and weightlifting adding to the total. I remember 2004 was an exciting year because Thailand took EIGHT medals in the Olympics, including 3 golds!

Still crossing my fingers to see if we win any more in these Games!

Quotes that Catch my Eye

2008-08-14T12:42:00.001-07:00

"When you are doing the work of ministering to people, it is not your job to change anyone, only God can do that, your job is to be a connector. You introduce them to God and let them get to know each other. Our assignment is simply to hold God's people with our hands open, with all of their hopes, dreams, faults, fears, pain, and doubts. You hold them with your hands open, and the moment you try to close your hands and mold them into what you think they should be, you are going too far."

Reflections on the Serenity Prayer

2008-08-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

My supervisor recently posted this by her desk:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference

In the midst of work crazyness, for my own sanity I've come up with some reflections inspired by this prayer...

I cannot change that someone has been given the run around by social agencies all over L.A.
I CAN help them figure out if they qualify for services here.

I cannot change a client's situation if they do not qualify for services here.
I CAN refer them to the 211 info line for other options in L.A.

I cannot make other agencies have room to take a client when they are full.
I CAN take a deep breath and let that weight slide off my shoulders instead of carrying it.
I CAN continue to develop my list of agencies to call so that I have more options to try.

I cannot stop clients from yelling at me or staff from expressing frustration with me.
I CAN choose to respond with calm and grace.
I CAN seek to live in peace with all people, so far as it is possible.
I CAN apologize when I actually made a mistake or didn't understand how to do something.
I CAN refuse to carry the weight of their words with me for the rest of the day.

Under Pressure

2008-08-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

This has been a rough last month. I started my new job in June and it's proving to be a better fit for me than data entry, but very stressful. To work with homeless folks is to be constantly dealing with people in crisis. When I first started here, one of my coworkers told me that everyone who comes seeking our services feels like they are in a state of emergency, but that as staff, we cannot allow their emergencies to become our emergencies or we'll burn out. I haven't learned how to do this yet. When I call all of the places I can think of and I can't find housing for someone, and I know that they are going to have to sleep on the street or in their car that night, it's distressing. Just yesterday, another of my coworkers said to me: "Jenny, you care too much. You do all that you can do, and then you have to let it go."

Despite how hard it is, I think that this is a very necessary skill for anyone contemplating working longer term with the poor. If I end up working with individuals in the sex trade or in other exploitative and oppressive situations, I am going to have to learn to do what I can do, and then let it go into the hands of Jesus. But oh! it is so hard trying to learn to do this. I feel like my soul is being beaten up every day and is having a hard time bouncing back after each assault.

Because work has been so stressful and I've also been very tired, it's put a lot of stress on home life as well. I love my roommate to pieces and I am so grateful to be rooming with her; she's taught me so much and been such a blessing over this last year. But when we are both tired and stressed out, our naturally different communication styles become a source of misunderstanding and hurt feelings, which quickly deteriorates into a downward cycle. We had a good reconciliation conversation the other day and prayed together, but I know it's still going to take work, to take choosing to assume the best and not be offended, to choose to respond with love instead of impatience and hard words.

Yet even as home has been a place of struggle as well, I am thankful to be going through this. Coming to the end of myself is making me realize how little ability to love I have and how much I need God to come in and be sufficient in my insufficiency. I'd rather find out how little love I have so that I can grow than to be comfortable and never pressed to love when it's hard and to think that I'm so great at it.

Pictures!

2008-08-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

Time for a couple of pictures! I'm not posting any of the junior high girls, to guard their privacy on the internet, but here's a picture of me, my roommate Diamante, and our mentor Michele:And here's a picture of our group of five now second-year interns in Pasadena. We have dinners together a couple times a month, game nights together, and of course, make all those long weekly drives to south L.A. together. Right now we are missing Rex, our friend on the left, as he is in Hawaii taking care of his parents for health reasons right now:
And I love this last picture because the women in our intern class are always making jokes about how affectionate the guys in our class are with each other, to the point that it sometimes becomes uncomfortable. We were just being silly here, but it cracks me up...

Huh

2008-07-31T16:36:00.001-07:00

I always knew that there were a lot of transexual boys/men in Thailand (there's a word for them: "kateuys") and wasn't thrown off by seeing them around, but I've never heard of this before. Huh.
Not sure what I think in general, but the plus is that the kateuys won't be uncomfortable using the men's restroom, and the girls won't be uncomfortable with having kateuys with them in the women's restroom.

Transition at Work

2008-07-31T13:15:00.001-07:00

Today, one of my coworkers turned in her two week notice and another announced that she is pregnant. Wow. I understand why the first is leaving--the stability of our jobs here is still up in the air and the job that she is leaving for is a better fit--but it's still sad. She's always been very kind to me. And the coworker who is pregnant is the one I work most closely with, so I have 7-8 months to learn how to do everything she does now!! Ack!

Poverty and obesity

2008-07-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

This article on L.A.'s city council banning new fast food restaurants in South L.A. (one of the poorest areas of L.A.) for 1 year reminded me of how true it is that poverty and obesity are often linked in the States. When there are limited supermarkets in your area and the ones that are there offer fewer selections of fresh fruits and vegetables (which cost more than beans and rice anyway), when fast food restaurants proliferate and are often the most affordable food, when you have to eat out of cans because you can't cook because you've lost your gas or lost your home...your health and weight suffer. Thankfully in NW Pasadena, the Food 4 Less and the King's Ranch (Latino focused supermarket) in our neighborhood have a decent selection of vegetables and fruits, though they are still more expensive than boxed food. But then of course, I have the financial resources and the car to drive to Trader Joe's or whatever upscale grocery stores I want to if I can't find what I'm looking for, and some of my neighbors don't.

Poverty is dang costly. :(

5.4 Earthquake

2008-07-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

So exciting, I just experienced my first earthquake today at around noon! It was so weird; I could see the walls swaying. Thankfully nothing at the office fell over. I think we were fairly far from the epicenter. The pictures from other places in L.A. are a bit of a different story, however. I'm not sure what I'll find when I get home; hopefully everything will still be on the shelves.

The thing that concerns me is the massive earthquake that is all but certain to hit L.A. anytime between now and the next 30 years. If people are freaking out over this one, will they/we be prepared if that one hits? Perhaps it's time to actually take some of those earthquake preparedness steps I learned about while working at the Red Cross. :P

Ewww

2008-07-24T19:39:00.000-07:00

Diamante and I found a tiny worm on a plate in the cupboard today. Then one on the counter. Then on the wall. I confess this was not one of my good moments of identifying with the poor. After I'd found five or six in different places in the same area of our kitchen, I freaked out. After some investigation and worm squishing, we finally traced it to the bag of rice in the top part of the cupboard. When I looked inside, it looked like the rice was moving, there were so many worms. I had this moment of angst where I internally considered how so many people in the world would have to sift the worms out of this rice because they needed it too much to throw away--and for a flash I contemplated doing the same thing, because they have to. But my worm squeamishness won out, and we threw away 1/3 of a bag of rice, plus two potatoes and an onion that had been contaminated. So depressing. To what lengths should identification with the poor go, when "the poor" are in such different situations depending on whether you are living in a black neighborhood in Los Angeles, a squatter settlement in Manila, or amidst the overwhelming poverty of Kolkata? If the poor around me would throw away the rice, but the poor elsewhere in the world would eat it out of necessity, what should I do? Sigh. Incarnational living and justice are messy things to work out.

Tidbits from the Weekend

2008-07-21T16:23:00.000-07:00

I got to go see a free outdoor performance of the Taming of the Shrew this weekend with a friend. It's been my favorite Shakespeare play ever since Ms. Wallace made us read the play aloud in class in high school. I got to be Kate, and in that moment, the play came alive for me. I love Kate's spunk and the verbal banter between her and Petruchio, two equals in passion, wit, and energy. Haven't quite figured out what to do with the ending of the play, but nevertheless I still love it.

On another random note, a friend sent me this awesome song, which I am posting here in tribute to all of my fellow Jennifers, Jens and Jennys out there! :) The artist made a music video that goes with it, but like most music videos, it's a little weird so I'm not linking to that here.

Tired

2008-07-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

I'd been planning to call up the junior high girls and invite them over to hang out this afternoon. It looked like a perfect arrangement. Diamante was going to be gone with other friends and I had nothing else scheduled between church and the Servant Partners new staff welcome dinner in Pomona this evening. Some friends were going to be playing ultimate Frisbee and I was seriously tempted to join them, but I thought that I should put the girls first. My goal for the summer was to do something with them at least once a week and that has certainly not taken place, so here was a free afternoon and I intended to spend it with them.

But then we left church late after talking to the folks visiting from Thailand and by the time I'd gotten home, eaten lunch, and said bye to Dia, it was already 2:30 pm. And I felt tired. So tired. I sat there and wrestled with whether or not I had enough energy to call up the girls, go pick them all up, and host them at my place--and with whether it mattered that I was tired or if this was one of those "die to oneself" moments for the good of someone else. I decided not to make a clear decision (thereby making one of those decisions that becomes a "no" in the absence of any concrete action) and zoned out by checking on several blogs I read. Then I came across Erika Haub's blogpost on the need for persistence in continuing to extend oneself in blessing others. Oooh. I was convicted. I picked up my cell phone, decided who I was calling first, and hit the dial button. While I was on the phone with her, however, the weight of my weariness hit me and I just couldn't convince myself to instigate a get-together. Instead, I told her the details of the trip to Six Flags that Dia and I are planning for the girls this coming Saturday, and asked her to find out from her parents if she could go. I called the other girls to give them a head's up about the trip as well, and told them I was looking forward to getting together with them soon.

I still can't decide if I should have invited them all over anyway, or if it's ok to recognize that I'm tired and to choose to give myself a break. Probably this is one of those things that isn't an absolute for all times, but depends on the situation. Which is why I am so grateful for grace, that covers over the multitudes of mistakes I make in misinterpreting or failing to follow through with the best decision.

So here I am, trying to figure out what I can drink that will keep me awake for the dinner this evening and the driving to and from. Or perhaps I shall just curl up on this couch and take a nap.

It's (Sometimes) a Small World After All

2008-07-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

Diamante and I are back to looking for a church again. We still haven't found a church family within which to plant ourselves in Pasadena. In some ways, I feel like finding a church is a little bit like finding someone to date: no one (person, community, church) is perfect, so how do you figure out what flaws you can live with and which ones you really shouldn't? Except that dating someone is optional (thank goodness!) but finding a community within which to pursue your faith is not really optional. So, onwards the hunt goes.

It just so happened that the church we visited this morning had a missionary couple and a Thai Christian couple visiting--all of whom live and work around Chiang Mai, Thailand, which is where I went to high school! The Thai couple gave the morning message and then I met them and the missionary couple afterwards and talked with them briefly. It was really inspiring to me to hear the Thai couple share their vision for seeing Thai people encounter Jesus in ways that culturally and relationally make sense and for training younger Thai leaders to help people grow in learning how to walk out their faith. And it was crazy to hear about how many people have started walking out lives as Jesus followers through their work. In the experience of most people I know, Thailand is not a place with amazing results in that area, so when I heard them talking about their work, my ears perked up and I wanted to follow them around so that I could see and experience what on earth they are doing that actually works. This is what Thailand really needs: Thai people who love Jesus and his transforming power for individuals and communities, and who have a passion for seeing their people encounter Jesus in uniquely Thai ways.

Sometimes I wish that God would give me a clear call to go back to Thailand, because I miss a lot of things about the country and the culture, but he hasn't done that at this point. I don't feel a lot of clarity about going anywhere, except that I want to go some place international again. Part of me wishes I could just go several places that strike my interest and spend a year or two in each place seeing what God would do. I'd go to Marseilles, France, and see what Jesus is doing in immigrant communities there--and work on my French at the same time! I'd go back to some place urban in Thailand and take a stab at learning how to love people and do holistic community development there. I'd go somewhere else in Asia to see if I fell in love with the country and people I was living with. My problem with the world is not that there are too few options, but that there are too many!

Solitude

2008-07-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and the house was empty, as my roommate had taken off to have a sabbath day away. I'd been looking forward to having a day to rest, but waking up on the day of, I felt somewhat bereft and lost. I wandered into my living room unsure what to do with myself. Lots of chores popped into my mind, but I found that I wasn't sure how to just be. I immediately wanted to fill up the space with journaling or music or reading...all of which are good and restful things, but are all still doing and not simply being. So today was a bit of an experiment with solitude and learning how to be.

I sat on the couch and looked out the window for a while, ate breakfast, pulled out the guitar and played for a while, and read the first chapter of Barton's book Invitation to Solitude and Silence, then sat in silence for a while. Barton says that she thinks silence is one of the least experienced spiritual disciplines among modern evangelical Christians. She also says that desperation and desire are two things that drew her to seek God in the uncharted territory of solitude and quiet, away from the never-ending hum of people and activities and work. So true. In this season of my life, I am really longing for an intimacy with God that I don't have right now. I am also desperate for him to fill my soul with what I need to make it. My soul feels like a drowning person clutching frantically at the surface for air, like a starving person crawling, snatching, clawing. Daddy God, I want you. I need you. If that takes learning how to be alone with just you, how to practice the disciplines of solitude and silence, help me to learn.

"Here we sit our souls down and wait for that which comes from beyond ourselves. Here we give into desperation and desire until God comes to us and does for us what we cannot do for ourselves."

hard times

2008-07-15T13:48:00.001-07:00

Working with people who are at the end of their rope is rough. I've had two clients leave the office crying today and it's not even halfway through the day.

Voices from outside the bubble

2008-07-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

I've been reflecting some on how the blessing of growing up with an international perspective carries with it the responsibility to be an alternative voice, to bring up different ways of viewing situations and the world. I'm not always very good at speaking up, or speaking up with love and humility, or staying educated and informed as to what's happening outside the USA bubble (oh yes, it is a bubble) and how those outside are interpreting those events.

So on that note, I was reading a blog post on God's Politics about a meeting with four Iraqi evangelical Iraqis and their perspectives on current events. I wish that the writer had quoted them more extensively so that we had a fuller picture of their views from their own mouths, but nevertheless it was an interesting enough article that I decided to link to it here.

Listen, Lord

2008-07-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

Listen, Lord - A Prayer

O Lord, we come this morning
Knee-bowed and body-bent
Before thy throne of grace.
O Lord -- this morning --
Bow our hearts beneath our knees,
And our knees in the lonesome valley.
We come this morning --
Like empty pitchers to a full fountain,
With no merits of our own.
O Lord -- open up a new window of heaven
And lean out far over the battlements of glory
And listen this morning.

--James Weldon Johnson

Like empty pitchers to a full fountain--I love that image. Splash down, Spirit water, all over us, til full and overflowing.

the uphill journey

2008-07-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

I was reading a blog post by Eugene Cho and the resulting blog conversation about the "uphill journey" to distribute leadership and influence among women and people of color in the church as fully and equally as for men and white people. A couple of comments from the blog conversation really resonated with me, so I'll just quote them here...

"I don’t have things figured out. I don’t know when to stand up and fight for myself, and when to wait for others to stand up for me. or if either of those options reflect Jesus. I’m a part of a denom that supports women in min, but it’s still hard, frustrating and i often want to hit my head against a brick wall… Because for the most part our system does give the advantage to white men. So while part of it is structure, part of it is us. I feel as women we need to step up and lead, inspire, share our stories, mentor the next generation of young women, ask to speak, get educated on this issue, listen, ask questions, keep advancing the Kingdom, discover your gifts, talents, passions-get what you need then do it and let’s have tough conversations with people out who are not valuing God’s creation and His story, but let’s do it with relentless love. maybe i’m crazy…"
--stacey

"A few years ago I was with a group of women talking with Dan Allender (President of Mars Hill Grad School) about women and the church. I said something like, its hard to talk about this issue without coming across like or being accused of having an agenda. Dan looked me square in the face and said, “you do have an agenda” to which I replied, “no I really don’t have an agenda.” His reply back, “the sooner you own that you have an agenda for biblical equality for women the more you will be able to use your voice.” He went on to say, “every time I get up to speak, I have an agenda, every public speaker does, but as a male that ’s not what I am accused of, it doesn’t even come into play.” I realized in that moment that whenever I had the opportunity to champion the cause of women for equality, I would use my voice. I do not want to come off as bitter, passionate yes, bitter no."
--Rose

Hooray for federal holidays

2008-07-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend I had a wonderful time enjoying different friends' company. One of the couples in Northwest Neighbors hosted a BBQ on 4th of July and I ran into two of the junior high girls there. Afterwards my roommate and I took the girls to sit outside the Rose Bowl and watch what I hear is the largest fireworks show in So. Cal. It was beautiful! Then Saturday I went to the beach with some Servant Partners friends and we had a BBQ on the beach, got soaked in the intense waves, and built a sandcastle with all kinds of fortifications attempting to keep out the water. We had a blast. :) Here's an awesome video my roomie took of the water taking over our castle while we are sitting inside the walls.

Thoughts on work

2008-07-06T17:02:00.001-07:00

My job is going fairly well so far. I'm enjoying getting to know my coworkers better, and in any job where you work with people, every day presents slightly different scenarios to work with. I'm hoping that I'll receive more training soon to keep my work at the front desk from becoming boring.

Working with homeless folks is interesting. As one of my coworkers told me, everyone comes in feeling like they are in crisis, but you can't take on their crises as your crisis. You have to stay calm, take your lunch breaks on time, do your best to help them but not get worked up in the process. I have a lot to learn from my coworkers about how they've found sustainability in the kind of work that they do, and how they've managed to remain unjaded and still believing that what they do makes a difference.

One hard part of the job is that I witness a lot of bad parenting, because parents and kids are either exhausted and at the end of their patience or the parents never really had good parenting skills in the first place (especially if the parents have mental health issues). This is particularly marked by lots of threats, not as much yelling because they are conscious of the staff's presence but definitely raised voices. It stresses me out.

It has been really cool to see how much our clients try to help each other out. People will give each other tips as to where to find food, what businesses are hiring, where the library is and what time it has its preschool program, etc.

My favorite work moment so far was on Thursday when a couple staff members were discussing the state of homelessness in Glendale and one of my coworkers said that it would be "more worse" without our agency. "More worse?" I asked him. "Uh, worser?" he said. Our other coworker and I broke down in laughter and proceeded to tease him mercilessly.

Remember, if you are having a bad day, things could always be more worser. :)

For those who love plants

2008-06-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

Into gardening? Check this out...
"Your backyard could feed the hungry"

A brief thought about politics and faith

2008-06-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

"Political appeals, even if rooted in religious convictions, must be argued on moral grounds rather than as sectarian religious demands -- so that the people (citizens), whether religious or not, may have the capacity to hear and respond. Religious convictions must be translated into moral arguments, which must win the political debate if they are to be implemented. Religious people don't get to win just because they are religious. They, like any other citizens, have to convince their fellow citizens that what they propose is best for the common good -- for all of us, not just for the religious...Christians should offer their best moral compass to the nation but then engage in the kind of democratic dialogue that religious pluralism demands."
--excerpt from blog post on "God's Politics" by Jim Wallis

I have been unsure for quite a while as to how to vote/lobby politically for issues that I am passionate about (and those that I'm not but that force me to make a choice). I'm told church and state must be separate, but I can't separate my spirituality from my perspectives on justice, politics, and morality that influence how I vote. But I'm also hesitant on some issues to vote a particular way just because I think it's wrong; sometimes I think that the law should allow for a broader course of action based on a more general consensus among the people it governs. After all, I don't want the law to regulate what I can wear, for instance, just because someone else thinks a particular style is indecent. And vice versa. Just because I think something is harmful or wrong doesn't necessarily mean I should vote that way.
But...sometimes it does. Like when things like justice and life and quality of life are on the line--but how to untangle the messy roots of a particular issue to figure out how to vote justly on it? And accommodating the larger society is not always ok because of things such as institutional racism, blinding nationalism, oppression of immigrants, etc. Just because there's a more general consensus to participate in such things does not mean that I should vote to allow them through law!
So basically, I'm still confused. But I thought the above quote was interesting to reflect on in the midst of my confusion.

Keep on raging and dreaming, my friends

2008-06-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

"The story of the rich man and Lazarus tells us that there is no immunity, no escape, from the general misery and contamination that afflicts our nation. We cannot make a separate peace, retreating into our own little islands of precarious peace and dubious plenty. We are not allowed to find rest until the sight of Lazarus sitting at the gate ceases to be ever before us.

Some will say that we are trying to dig up with our nails again the bones if issues long buried for most people. It may well be that most of us cannot help surrendering to the forces of the market and going through the rites of passage leading to the comfortable, vegetable life of the bourgeoisie, with middling hopes both for ourselves and for society. We wake up in the morning worrying about bills to pay and the onset of midlife desperation.

But those of us who bear the name of Christ are called to respond to a finer, higher tune and dance to a different drummer.

We cannot help but rage and dream again when the kingdom calls and the cry of the poor rises from the earth like a miserere."

Transforming Society by Melba Padilla Maggay, Filipino writer, social anthropologist, activist, and theologian

I am afraid of making a separate peace, of settling down into a comfortable state that isn't overly bothered about troubles happening around me and elsewhere in the world. I am afraid of such a betrayal--of myself, of God, of fellow humans who are suffering. For years now, one of my greatest secret fears about the future has been summed up in the visually potent image of me in middle class, small town America, with two cars, two point five kids, a white picket fence, and an overwhelming sensation of being trapped. If I were pressed on the question, yes, there's definitely justice and mercy being worked out in small town America as well, but my fear of what the image represents for me is very real. I've been accused of being an overly idealist young person and of wanting to save the world--the first may be true, the second definitely isn't because I am under no illusions that I can--but I hope fiercely that I may be raging and dreaming until the end of my days, hopefully with a little wisdom picked up along the way. Jesus, save me from myself! Help me to always hear your call and to respond.

When home becomes a stranger again

2008-06-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

I was able to go up to Oregon for a friend's wedding this last weekend. The culture shock startled me, as I wasn't expecting any. I am reminded that just as L.A. is weird, Portland is weird as well, but in a very different way. I can't quite put my finger on what it was...perhaps the clothes, or the warehouse-feeling artistically graffitied coffee shop we stepped into, or the way people moved in the street. At any rate, it gave me a jolt to realize that the place that was home for four years could feel so foreign so fast. But it was SO good to see friends and to catch up and laugh together, and to store up big gulping memories of vineyards and tree covered hills stretching way out into the distance and wide open skies of gray/blue fresh air.

My new job!

2008-06-24T20:52:00.001-07:00

Wow, it's been a month since I last posted. So much has happened that every time I've thought about sitting down to write, I've been overwhelmed. But here goes!

I finally have a new job!! After seven months of temp-ing at the Red Cross and countless hours of job searching accompanied by a lot of soul-stretching around the questions of faith, worth, and trust in God, something finally came through. This something took seriously a month and a half, from the time I was first interviewed to the time they finally hired me, and it was an epic experience. They'd initially left me a voice mail on my cell phone, asking me to come in for an interview, but something happened and I was checking my old voice mails a week later and realized that I'd never called them. Horrible, horrible! I felt practically sick, and I prayed and prayed and got my roommate to pray with me before I called...and they still wanted me to come in for an interview! So after jumping through all of the successive hoops for a month, and after they had told me to give notice and I'd done so, I received a phone call that they actually didn't yet have funding secured for my position, as the meeting they were depending on had been delayed. That weekend was so stressful for me, as my two weeks notice were almost up and I had no guarantee that a job would be there for me at the end of it. Again, I prayed, except this time I got lots more people to pray for the situation too! (so many thanks to all of you who walked and prayed with me through that time) And they called me back the next week to hire me!

I've worked there just over one week now, and I really like it. It's a small nonprofit that provides case management services and an emergency shelter for homeless folks, and right now I'm working at the front desk. My official title is "Intake Case Manager," but I haven't actually done any intake interviews yet! It's an interesting spot to be in, to be constantly engaging with folks who are almost always very polite but scared and frustrated and tired of jumping through hoops to try to get help. Thus far I hope I've been able to successfully navigate treating folks with compassion and empathy while not allowing their perceived emergencies to become my emergency. It's been great to interact with the other staff, mostly women, who work there, and I am learning so much from them. I think God knew what I needed in a work environment to grow, because they are all very supportive and verbally encouraging, which is just what helps me along!

The downside: at the end of my first week there, during my first staff meeting, my supervisor informed all of the staff that she had just been told that the agency was in such serious financial straights that we should all start looking for a job. I could have fallen over, I was in such shock. We haven't folded yet, and indeed the exec director is hoping that LA county will come through for us with funding, since we provide significant services to homeless folks who come from all over the county, but yes, it's not guaranteed. So my new job may soon become my first layoff. It was a new experience for me to stand around after the meeting and process what was happening with my coworkers. Some people are ever the optimists. Others are angry, or sad, or concerned about the clients. There's a little private swearing that comes out when the supervisor isn't there. As for me, I think I'm still in disbelief. At this point, I can't even figure out what to pray. Hasn't this already been a rollercoaster to get here, God? Was I supposed to reject this job, even though it's the only one to come along in months? If I pray that the agency stays afloat with all of our jobs, will there be something else even worse, the next dip in the rollercoaster, that comes along? I'm so confused.

Weekend Adventures

2008-05-25T15:35:00.000-07:00

With the end of the school year coming, a lot has been happening here in Pasadena. My coleaders Betsy, Hilary and I took the junior high girls up into the mountains near Big Bear for an overnight trip. That was an adventure! The girls LOVED climbing all over the huge rocks up there, throwing rocks into a nearby pond, playing arcade games and eating candy in the town of Big Bear, go-carting, and having a late night dance party before bed. For most of the kids, it was their first time to be out surrounded by trees as far as they could see instead of buildings. One car of girls even got to stop and touch snow for the first time on the way down. Thank you so much to everyone who prayed for the trip, because it was a blessing to see the kids really enjoy themselves and include each other. It was great to be able to have so much time with them, although I'm learning that even when these kids have fun, they are big complainers when anything doesn't go their way, so as the adult I have to learn to stand firm on my decisions, support the decisions of the other leaders, and not allow their complaining to dampen my own enthusiasm or play guilt trips on me. I'm also glad that it was only one night, because I was pretty exhausted even before the trip began, and while we left when we all were still having fun, I think another night would have produced some cranky kids and leaders!

Last weekend our Servant Partners class went on a four day retreat up in the mountains at the Palamar retreat center. It was a much needed time to rest, celebrate community, conclude our study of the book of Luke, and reflect on the past year. It was beautifully sunny, but not too warm, so we spent a lot of our free time outside. I got to hone my archery skills and cheer on fellow interns, play a game of kickball, and learn how to use a baseball bat. It was so lovely to have lots of time to just enjoy each other's company, whether in card games, sharing with each other and praying for each other, or an experimental jam session with the guitar and djembe. :) Moreover, it was very restful for my soul to have extensive times alone with God to reflect on the year and work on some of my current issues. I found that when I went back to work on Monday, I actually had energy to stay loving and encouraging all day long, even when I came home to Dia in the evening. Now the rest has worn off a bit, particularly as it was a stressful week, but as this is a long weekend, I'm hoping to sleep and rest enough to recapture a bit of that spark. I don't like perpetually functioning out of tiredness.

Yesterday we went to the Northwest Neighbors end of year event Con Gozo (with joy). All the junior high and high school study kids and leaders came together for a morning of singing a couple songs, hearing the leaders share about how the study had gone that year, and cheering during the presentation of an individualized award to each kid celebrating some aspect of their character that the leaders had really noticed over the year. We'd been planning to take them all to the beach afterwards, especially considering the 90 degree weather, but this week it turned cold, stormy, and windy, so we opted for a backyard barbeque and Wi fun instead. And then we all went to play laser tag, which was AWESOME! I had no idea that sneaking around in blacklight shooting little red beams at people could be so fun. My three girls that came definitely all traveled in a pack, and woe to me whenever they found me!

Pictures from Heroes event

2008-05-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

(If you want to see the images larger, click on the pictures to open them up in a new window)
This is Noah at the Heroes event. Isn't he adorable? Our department with Noah: (from left to right) Philip, Annette, Rupa, Candace, Noah, Amber, me, someone else I don't know. Yes, Philip is the only guy in our department and he is quite a good sport about it. :P

My celebrity crush

2008-05-02T19:16:00.001-07:00

I have a new favorite celebrity. This is rather odd for me; I usually don't recognize most celebrities' names or have any idea what they starred in--nor do I care for that matter! My one requisite L.A. celebrity sighting so far happened on a church visit, where I happened to sit in front of Tim Allen and shook his hand during the greeting time. Unfortunately the greatness of this moment was rather lost on me, as I've never seen Home Improvement and when my roommate freaked out and whispered loudly, "That's Tim Allen!!" I said, "Who?" :P I just hope he didn't hear me!

But now I have met Noah Gray-Cabey, and he's adorable!! Noah is a brilliant 12 year old actor and classical pianist who is currently starring in the TV show "Heroes." He played the part of our celebrity m.c. for today's big Red Cross celebration of our own local heroes, held as a super nice (fundraising!) luncheon at the Pacific Palms resort. It was a fun but exhausting day of hauling boxes, setting up for the event, connecting media representatives with the local heroes that were being honored, and enjoying the videos of the heroes as well as the very tasty lunch, dessert, and coffee. My coworker and I were sitting in the back, and our favorite part was watching Noah act as m.c. and getting to interact with him before and afterwards--and oh yes, our department staff took a picture with him! He came with his mom, and he is so charming, friendly, genuine, and down to earth--and has the most gorgeous black curls (pictures)! Now if only there was a 25 year old version of him! :P

Other than meeting Noah, it was a weird day of contrasts. It's a bit odd to be living among and making friends with the poor and kids from illegal immigrant families, and then to dress up and work a super nice luncheon at a resort with city mayors, powerful business owners, and wealthy folks in attendance. Working in a development (fundraising) department in general provides that contrast, but it's usually not as visible. I'm learning a lot from watching my coworker Amber Aiello, who used to work for Servant Partners and is still part of a church plant they started in a low-income community in Lincoln Heights. For instance, when we found out that some of the people who bought tickets weren't going to show up, and their food was going to go to waste, she asked our event planner to talk to the resort's food manager and try to convince her to box up the extra meals for us to take away. Thankfully the manager was kind enough to grant our request, so now a couple families Amber knows who live in a constant state of food insecurity will be able to enjoy a gourmet meal for free. The more I learn about how the world works, the more I see how the privileged and powerful are given so much nice stuff for free or discounted rates, whereas the poor and working class are cheated and exploited. This is depressing, but it makes me want to learn how to take actions like Amber and use whatever access I have to those with wealth and power on behalf of those in need. Learning how to do this is going to require developing some creativity, a sense of how to ask appropriately, and plain boldness to actually do it!

Reminders of Manila

2008-04-30T22:03:00.001-07:00

For those who were tracking my journey back when my internship kicked off with several weeks in Manila, here's a recent blog post on The Margins from a conversation with Aaron Smith. Aaron and his Filipino wife Ema are the infinitely patient Servant Partners staff who guided our team during our stay in the Balic Balic squatter community. They were recently in the States for a couple weeks and we had the privilege of seeing Aaron again over at Kevin Blue's house, even if it was but briefly.

Depression and Inner City Youth

2008-04-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

One of my fellow interns living in South L.A. sent out this article about depression rates among South L.A. high school students. One of the reasons I found this article really interesting was hearing the voices of students saying that they felt discouraged and set up to fail by low expections within the school system. I also was struck by how many students, when asked why they skipped school, cited answers that hinted at clinical depression. Perhaps before those of us who are outside the situation criticize inner city youth for not caring or their families for failing to infuse them with "proper" work ethic, we should consider our own part in contributing to or fighting the status quo of a society in which students in certain areas are struggling to push through every day dealing with abnormally high rates of (likely) clinical depression.

**Ooops. Click on this link and it should download a Word document with the LA Times article to your computer.***

Fire Season's Started

2008-04-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

When my roommate and I found an injured bird in our backyard yesterday and called the Humane Society, they said that it might take a little while for them to send someone out because they were dealing with the fires in Arcadia. But I didn't really realize what was happening until I arrived at work at the Red Cross on Monday and discovered that my boss had flown back early from her weekend visit with her sister in Colorado in order to manage P.R. and work the shelters the Red Cross had set up. My other coworker is busy working the phones this morning. Yes, So. Cal fire season has officially started in our area. It's going to be a busy week here at the Red Cross, considering it was already going to be hectic before any fires broke out! For more information on the Arcadia and Sierra Madre fires, click here.

California ESL test

2008-04-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

This is a useful site where you can check out how California students learning English as a Second Language are scoring on the state English proficiency test for ESL learners. You can look at results all the way down to the individual schools in your district; for example, I found it really interesting to check out the schools to which the Northwest Neighbors girls go.

Beautiful moments, disappointing moments

2008-04-24T12:47:00.001-07:00

Last night was one of the best and worst times with the junior high girls I've had yet. If you want to hear about the crazy things that God did at the end of our study, email me or call me and I'd love to share! I'm in awe of the way God answers our prayers, but I don't want to freak anyone out, so yes, let me know separately if you want to hear about it. Suffice to say, it was cool!

On the worst side, as I was driving a couple of the girls home after they'd spent an extra 1 1/2 hours after Bible study at their friend's house, they told me that they had lied to me about having called their parents for permission and that they felt terrible about not being honest with me. This was distressing, particularly because I felt like now I'd broken trust with their parents because they thought I was the one keeping the girls out so late. I said: "thank you for telling me the truth. I really appreciate it. But I'm really disappointed that you would do that." Then I explained that if they did that, then their parents wouldn't trust me and then we couldn't hang out any more or go places like the overnight retreat we have coming up. I asked if they'd tell their parents the truth about what happened and they said no. To which I didn't really know what to do. I finally said, "well I can't make you tell the truth, but honesty is always the best way to go." Lame, I know. It was a rather silent car ride. As I dropped them off, I told them to at least apologize to their parents for me for getting home so late, and that I don't mind driving them home in the future but that their parents absolutely have to know where they are. I thought afterwards that perhaps I should have walked them into their houses and made them explain the truth to their parents in Spanish, but I didn't think of it at the time.

The whole drive home I agonized over how strict I should have been and how I'd responded to the situation. I didn't want to freak out on the girls because I appreciated that they'd confessed the lie on their own. But I also know it's important for their own growth and development to have boundaries and consequences to bump up against. And I think sometimes I err too much on grace and not enough on consequences. I'd appreciate any wise thoughts on pre-teens, lying, or consequences from any of you who work with youth or have raised kids of your own!

A Strange Phone Conversation

2008-04-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

The funniest thing happened to me this evening. I was washing the dishes when the phone rang with someone asking me if I had a few minutes to take a survey. Normally I say no to this sort of thing, but he was so soft-spoken and nice about it that I consented. The survey mostly proceeded as normal, with him asking questions about my use of the yellow pages and me answering. However, his computer was really slow, so to fill the time while it was thinking, he'd ask me random other questions. Some of them were ordinary, like "so, what do you do for fun?" But then some of them were a little weird to be asking a complete stranger over the phone, like "when you are out, say at a bar, what are the first three things you notice about a guy who approaches you?", or "so if someone played a song for you, what song would it be?" Truth be told, it made me a little uncomfortable, as if I was indirectly being hit on over the phone. I started thinking over the survey questions I'd answered, trying to figure out if there was any way I had given out my exact location or identity (there wasn't and he was obviously not from California). I don't think he was trying to be awkward; I think he just doesn't have a good sense of what questions you should ask strange women when you are killing time during a professional survey!! Anyways, I had to laugh about it after I hung up, so I thought I'd share the sillyness.

Homeless legal resource

2008-04-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

If anyone regularly interacts with homeless folks, or is personally interested in learning about various legal issues as related to the homeless, here's a resource I just found out about.
This is what the blog owner says:
"I'm a full-time law librarian and a part-time lawyer representing the homeless. I've started a blog at http://www.homelesslaw.info/ to provide basic legal research leads for independent homeless legal researchers (i.e. homeless people who have to do their own legal research in libraries because they might not otherwise know their rights). The blog is formatted as a series of questions and answers that might arise in a day in the life of a homeless person."
Check it out!

Food for Thought Catering

2008-04-21T09:57:00.000-07:00

One of the second year Servant Partners interns has co-created this really cool justice and youth development centered catering company: Food for Thought Catering.

Check it out, and if you know anyone who orders catering in the L.A. area, particularly in Pasadena and the East side, pass this on! :)

Reflections on the Job Search

2008-04-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

It was hard to get out of bed today. Not because of sleep deprivation, but the thought of facing another day of job hunting and being without a permanent job felt so discouraging that I wanted to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep for a month or so until I could wake up with a job. I lay there and tried to think about things to motivate me to face the day. Pecan granola cereal. Dinner with the Pasadena guys tonight. Jesus, please be my joy, I kept thinking. Please be my joy.

Friday a week ago I was really discouraged by the job hunt. I'd been complaining about it a lot that week, and it wasn't a helpful external processing, but rather a general bitter complaining that left me feeling like somehow I was dishonoring God in the way I was talking about it, but I continued anyway. After I got off work at 1:30 pm on Friday, I got off the bus in Old Town and stopped in at a church I'd seen that had a sign outside saying that it was open for prayer. The old building was quiet inside, and I slipped into one of the pews and put my head on my hands.

I was angry and frustrated. Angry at God that he was supposed to be my provider and that I still didn't have a job. Frustrated and feeling guilty with myself for not putting enough effort and time into applying or pursuing leads--feeling like if I'd just achieve a certain level of diligence in the job search, I'd get a job, and that since I didn't have a job yet, clearly I wasn't working hard enough. I was confused whether to blame God, blame myself or both. And I felt guilty for blaming God when I knew I had abundant signs of his faithfulness and provision--like the temp job I have now where my boss and coworkers are amazing and are willing to keep me on while I search and also let me have all the time off I need for interviews and the like. All I could do was sit there in that pew and cry out to God all of my frustration and fear and hurt.

I didn't see any shining lights come down from heaven, but as I was sitting there, a couple passages in the book of Luke that we had recently studied together as an intern class came to mind, so I pulled my Bible out and found them. The first was Luke 11:9-13, where Jesus talks about how if you ask, you will receive, and how if human parents know how to give good gifts to their children, how much more so does God the Father. The second passage was Luke 12: 22-34. "Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds!...your Father knows that you need [these things]. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.'"

As I read, what stood out to me more than anything else was how I have trouble trusting God. Trouble believing that I will experience God's gifts to me as good. Trouble believing that God will provide to me what I perceive I need. Trouble trusting, I suppose, in the the goodness and faithfulness of God. I read those promises of Jesus wondering if I really believed in them, if I could claim them in faith in my prayers. I left the church knowing that God had heard me and revealed those things in my heart to me, but still wrestling with all of the emotional baggage I'd brought in.

The next morning, I opened the Bible to the book of Psalms, which I've been reading over breakfast, and my eyes fell on Psalm 16 (italics mine):

Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.
I say to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing."
I say of the godly who are in the land, "They are the noble people in whom is all my delight."
Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
I will not pour our their sacrifices of blood or take up their names on my lips.
Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundaries lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay.
You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Do I believe that the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places? That apart from God I have no good thing, but with God he makes known to me the path of life?

Faith. Hope. Joy. Come, Lord Jesus come, I am desperate for you.

No values?

2008-03-26T08:43:00.001-07:00

"They have no values." That was my coworker's judgement of "illegals" as I talked to her in the kitchen this morning. The racism in her statement took my breath away while I searched quickly for how to respond.

The context for her comment was a conversation about violence in American society and troubled youth. I suppose it's a matter of perspective. Neither of us wants to see youth being shot on a regular basis in L.A., as is currently the case. But my first reaction is to say we should invest more federal, state, and private resources--and invest those resources more wisely--in schools, in violence prevention programs, and in community assistance for youth and low-income families. Her perspective was that it came down to illegal immigrants with no values. Ouch.

Now, any good anthropology student can tell you that there is no such thing as a collection of people with no values. People's and societies' values can be extremely different, but everyone has values. I was reading an article about gang members in the paper and the policeman who was giving a quote said that although gang members break the laws of the broader society, they will remain staunchly true to the values and rules set up within the gang. He seemed to think this was weird. It's not weird at all, not anymore than that white middle-class Americans are true to different values and ways of expressing those values than middle-class Japanese--just think about the question of individuality/family-society obligation. Perhaps one could say that the broader American society has some problems with values when we can callously label immigrants as the reason why we have problems while at the same time abusing them through unjust labor practices and attempting to deny them basic human rights such as access to health care.

Aside from the falsehood of the statement, however, what really breaks my heart is the way that racism is so deeply embedded that it comes out in a comment like that in a kitchen conversation between two well-meaning people. I debated even posting her comment, but I think it's important to honestly see how prevalent racism is. I am coming to love the Latina junior high girls I work with, and at least half if not more of their families are illegal, and let me just tell you that they are far from being people with no values!

Barack Obama on Race in America

2008-03-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

Some excellent reflections on race in America from Barack Obama, spoken recently at the Constitution Center in Philadelphia. Personally, I think the speech is far too positive about America and Israel, in light of all the horrific abuses those two countries have committed against people within and outside of their borders (I'm not anti-American or anti-Israel, I'm just speaking the truth), but I know that you can't get elected President by talking about America in less than glorious terms. Anyway, other than that point, his speech is great and I'd strongly encourage taking a moment to read it.

or watch!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrp-v2tHaDo

The Church as Surprise

2008-03-10T20:34:00.001-07:00

What does it mean to be the church? To be a messy conglomeration of such very different people trying to follow God?

I think I've always reacted against the line of thought that says Christians should cluster together in a little bubble and only listen to "Christian" music, read "Christian" books, be friends with "Christian" people, etc. And I don't think most folks who think like this are trying to be isolationist, but rather trying to keep up their values in a world that quite plainly is rather crazy. And of course, most of us accumulate our closest friends based on shared values, hobbies, experiences, etc. But you know, I grew up in a setting where more than 99% of people didn't share my beliefs in God, most of my friends didn't believe in Jesus, I listened to popular music (I am mostly proud of this except for when I think of certain disgustingly trivial and sappy songs!), and I STILL love Jesus, in fact, I think I love him even more! Discovering the American christian culture bubble in the States really freaked me out, and if I hadn't previously discovered Jesus outside of that, I think I might have fled the other way.

And the more I actually read what Jesus said, the more I become convinced that to remain in a bubble is distinctly unchristian behavior. Jesus spent most of his time with low-class fishermen, healing sick and dead people who were considered "unclean," talking to women and adulterers and the poor...the list goes on. In fact, most of his messages to the religious elite of the time were "woe to you!"

David Bosch writes, "I believe that the church discovers her true nature only as she moves from one human world to another, when she crosses frontiers, whether these are geographical, cultural, ethnic, linguistic, or sociological. The same discovery applies to the individual believer" (A Spirituality of the Road). Bosch's quote really gave me some food for thought when I read it. I haven't been very good at this at all points in my life. I love interacting with people from different places and different perspectives, and being a missionary kid has meant that most situations in Thailand and the States have been cross-cultural for me in some way, but it's often easiest to press into deep relationships with people who are somewhat similar to me. This really challenges me to practice and learn to be a person who establishes relationships across religious, cultural, ethnic, class, and other borders, not just for a season, but as a consistent practice for a lifetime.

The beautiful thing about crossing boundaries is that we learn more about God and his character as we follow Jesus' example in border-crossing and as we soak in the richness of Christian thought from countries around the world. Relying on predominately western upper middle class white male theologians to interpret the Bible alone doesn't allow us to understand God as fully as also listening to how Christians in Asia or South America read the Word, and how people living in the slums of Manila understand the promises of God.

To close, a great quote about missiology (the study of missions) from theologian Ivan Illich:
"Missiology studies the growth of the Church into new peoples, the birth of the Church beyond its social boundaries, beyond the linguistic barriers within which she feels at home; beyond the poetical images in which she taught her children. The Church is led to marvel about the ever new images in which her venerable knowledge can become meaningful for the first time...missiology therefore is the study of the Church as surprise."