Christianity in the Valleys

"You're glowing today. What's different?" one of my friends asked me the other day. My honest answer: well, I took some time to go be alone with God and was reminded that I don't need to worry and be anxious. Funny, isn't it, how one of the most calming and reorienting things for us is simply to spend time with the One who loves us the most--and yet it's so difficult to choose to make that time. I look for my comfort everywhere else first: in sleep, in food, in busyness, in productivity, in people.

I used to get that kind of comment not infrequently. Even when things were difficult, even when I was crying and praying in the bathroom at work, somehow I was more centered in Jesus and more connected to God's daily presence with me. But this has been a long and dark last year, and somewhere along the way the sparkle went away.

I'd like to carry that light in my face all the time; I'd like to be expressing the living joyful presence of God even when I don't say anything out loud. I think that light is slowly coming back, but I am not sure what one would have to do in order to always have it. For me, part of it is learning to trust God more deeply when more and more anxiety producing dilemmas develop. Part of it is choosing to make that time to spend with God so that I can be reminded of the big picture again. But I also think that perhaps sometimes there are dark times that our spirits have to walk through where there is no way around the valley, but only through it.

When you are depressed, it can be a success just to get out of bed and fulfill your responsibilities throughout the day. Even when I spent time in prayer and read verses from the Bible over and over again about worry, I still felt overwhelming anxiety. "Let go and let God," people told me (translation: let go of feeling like you have to be in control and let God be the one in charge). But that just produced more frustration, and a sense of alienation and guilt. I wasn't feeling any better, so I thought to myself that I must be doing something wrong. God must be waiting for me to pick up my game and get my act together.

Now that I'm slowly pulling out of the long tunnel, I am beginning to have more grace for myself and for all who are in dark places of grieving, of depression, of great personal stress. Perhaps following Jesus doesn't always mean feeling joyful or peaceful or exhuding light from one's being. Perhaps there are times when the great struggle is simply to keep the faith, to hold onto Jesus and his promises and keep walking even when the bad feelings don't go away, when God seems distant or when we don't understand what is going on, when nothing we are doing seems to make anything better. I think that God must value such struggles with great tenderness and compassion.

I hope you never have to go through dark times; I hope that your life with Jesus is continually filled with joy even in difficulty. But if you are in the midst of struggles, hold on, sister. Hold on, brother. Keep the faith. Have grace for yourself. You are the apple of God's eye, and even when he feels far away or impossible to understand, his compassionate love surrounds you. Eventually these hard times will pass.

"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery." (Colossians 2:2 the Message version)

May we all know that we are woven into a tapestry of love.

free spirits

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somaliland. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." (Breakfast at Tiffany's)

Holly Golightly, you and I are far from being similar people, but I feel you on this one. Terrified of being trapped, terrified of losing one's freedom, of losing the ability to just pick up and go wherever whenever--and all this fear driving one away from intimacy and relationship to be on one's own. And while those of us who know Jesus know that falling in love is not the only chance anybody's got for real happiness, running away from relationships because of fear is definitely not the answer. Especially when the real problem isn't "out there" or with someone else. It's within.

Weddings

As summer approaches, so does wedding season. Between my own friends and my boyfriend's friends, sometimes I feel like EVERYONE is getting married! I guess that happens when you hit your mid-20s.

A couple of months ago I was reading a blog posting from a college friend on his proposal story, and while I was happy for them I started feeling jealous. I mean, really jealous. Any other single friends out there feel me on this one? I am not ready to get married but I definitely want to at some point, and I envy the certainty of those who write mushy blog posts about how they have found "the one." In contrast, even though I am happily dating a wonderful man, when it comes to the general idea of marriage I have a lot of fears and anxiety--mainly about whether it will ever happen for me and about my own ability to choose wisely.

Ultimately I think it comes down to my questioning of God's love for me. Is God's relationship with me solely about sacrifice and suffering or does God delight in giving me good gifts as well? Can I trust that when God gives me a good gift that he won't yank it away again? Will God withhold something from me just because it is something I want? Does God love me enough to help me and protect me in the decision making process?

If you are single or dating, where are you at with the whole marriage thing, especially if you have lots of friends who are getting married? How do you deal with jealousy? Do you find that your own feelings also are rooted in what you are working through with God? If you are married, did you deal with these kinds of feelings when you were younger?

Resurrection

I have been thinking about trying my hand at spoken word for some time now. I like words :), I used to write poems, and I like listening to spoken word so I always thought that it would be fun to try it myself.

As I was reflecting on the meaning of Jesus's resurrection and what that means for my own life, a spoken word/poem thing began to take shape as a way of verbalizing those thoughts. So here is my piece that I wrote and shared at the brunch my small group threw for Easter this year. It's not the same on the written page, but imagine me speaking it. :)

Resurrection

Knowing Jesus is not a quick ticket to happiness.
It's not no rain, no bain, no pain--that's novocaine, not Jesus.
It's not my right, my might, my fight--that's selfishness, not Jesus.

My life with Jesus has been an adventure,
Partnering with people and going places I never expected.
Lots of love and light and laughter.

And I have also done a lot of leaving.
Small deaths litter the landscape behind me:
Deaths of friendships, homes, innocence,
Whole countries and ways of life have come and gone.

Sometimes darkness stalks my own life too.
Fear, hopelessness, depression is pressing down
and I'm scratching clawing screaming
for a way out.

And all those labels
that people or places or past experiences
have placed on us.
--What are yours? I'll tell you some of mine--
Outsider. Unknown. Abandoned. Alone.

Resurrection comes into the midst of our woundedness
and says--Not True!

And I find that
mission and vision and
promise and purpose and
hope and healing
come as Jesus walks me through those deaths into life.

And I have a new name.
I am Chosen.
I am Beloved.
I am Known.
And Jesus will never leave me or abandon me.

Resurrection.
It's not no rain, no bain, no pain--that's not Jesus.

But it is the promise
that when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
that we are not alone, cause he has already been there.

It is the promise
That life can come out of death,
That life has come out of death,
And that Jesus makes all things new.

Life is too short for...

As my grandmother pointed out to me, I have been somewhat delinquent with the regular posting of blog entries this year. My apologies, dear readers! I have had a few entries percolating in my brain but have not as yet put my fingers to the keyboard.

I have been thinking a lot about my to-do list this week, which can stress me out, since it never ends. I cross one item off and put two more on. Then I realized: I am going to have a to-do list for as long as I live. Why let its presence consume me so that I am more obsessed with getting things done than with being with people? The items on my list are only important because they facilitate the relationships and things that are truly important.

In honor of that realization, here is my mini list of 5 things that life is too short for!

Life is too short to...
1) Keep a perfectly clean desk
2) Eliminate all the items from my to-do list
3) Read & respond to every email
4) Stay angry
5) Clean the house every week

and life is too short to NOT....
1) spend time with the people I love
2) call my family
3) eat dessert when I want it
4) know that I am loved
5) treat other people with God's kindness

What's on your lists? Share!

Love is a matter of life and death

First homicide of 2010 in Pasadena. A Latino teenage boy was fatally shot on a Sunday morning at a bus stop.

I live just down the street from Villa Park, hangout for the gang the Villa Boyz, whom the police are trying to dissuade from seeking retaliation. I tend to think about the Villa Boyz sort of lightly (in fact, our house even named ourselves the Villa Girls, joking that we are the "anti-Villa Boyz," since we are here in the neighborhood with the hope of strengthening and supporting families & kids and working towards a healthier, thriving neighborhood).

But this incident reminds me that the kids I work with really do live in a neighborhood where the choices that they make (who to hang out with, whether to apply themselves in school or not, where they physically hang out in the neighborhood) can be a matter of life and death. I am reminded that I came here not because it was a "nice" thing to do or because I thought I would save the world, but because Jesus weeps over things that happen in my neighborhood. Jesus weeps over the boy who just died. Jesus sees everything that happens here--all of the wonderful beautiful things about this neighborhood and the families here, and all of the broken destructive things that happen as well--and he loves, he loves, he loves the people here. Will anything I do during my time here make a difference to the kids and to this neighborhood? I hope so, but I don't know. But at least I entered the fight, at least I will have tried, and I firmly believe that love always counts for something. As Kevin Blue says, "Nothing is wasted in the kingdom of God."

Pasadena fatal shooting touches off worries of retaliation
Pasadena picks local nonprofit to head up gang prevention efforts

Laughing in the face of chaos

Sometimes I just have to laugh at how non-profits scrabble and make things work without a lot of money.

We say that we can't afford to buy a top of the line drill so we buy a cheap one and it takes a staff member an hour to drill one hole in our concrete wall because the drill is so weak.
The stove legs are uneven so we have an old textbook under one leg to stabilize it.
There's been a huge hole in the wall in the women's bathroom for months as we gradually get the plumbing fixed.

Not to mention all of the random things that go along with nonprofit chaos...right now I have a plastic iguana sitting on my coworker's desk looking at me from a recent pile of donations that no one knows what to do with!