Christianity in the Valleys

"You're glowing today. What's different?" one of my friends asked me the other day. My honest answer: well, I took some time to go be alone with God and was reminded that I don't need to worry and be anxious. Funny, isn't it, how one of the most calming and reorienting things for us is simply to spend time with the One who loves us the most--and yet it's so difficult to choose to make that time. I look for my comfort everywhere else first: in sleep, in food, in busyness, in productivity, in people.

I used to get that kind of comment not infrequently. Even when things were difficult, even when I was crying and praying in the bathroom at work, somehow I was more centered in Jesus and more connected to God's daily presence with me. But this has been a long and dark last year, and somewhere along the way the sparkle went away.

I'd like to carry that light in my face all the time; I'd like to be expressing the living joyful presence of God even when I don't say anything out loud. I think that light is slowly coming back, but I am not sure what one would have to do in order to always have it. For me, part of it is learning to trust God more deeply when more and more anxiety producing dilemmas develop. Part of it is choosing to make that time to spend with God so that I can be reminded of the big picture again. But I also think that perhaps sometimes there are dark times that our spirits have to walk through where there is no way around the valley, but only through it.

When you are depressed, it can be a success just to get out of bed and fulfill your responsibilities throughout the day. Even when I spent time in prayer and read verses from the Bible over and over again about worry, I still felt overwhelming anxiety. "Let go and let God," people told me (translation: let go of feeling like you have to be in control and let God be the one in charge). But that just produced more frustration, and a sense of alienation and guilt. I wasn't feeling any better, so I thought to myself that I must be doing something wrong. God must be waiting for me to pick up my game and get my act together.

Now that I'm slowly pulling out of the long tunnel, I am beginning to have more grace for myself and for all who are in dark places of grieving, of depression, of great personal stress. Perhaps following Jesus doesn't always mean feeling joyful or peaceful or exhuding light from one's being. Perhaps there are times when the great struggle is simply to keep the faith, to hold onto Jesus and his promises and keep walking even when the bad feelings don't go away, when God seems distant or when we don't understand what is going on, when nothing we are doing seems to make anything better. I think that God must value such struggles with great tenderness and compassion.

I hope you never have to go through dark times; I hope that your life with Jesus is continually filled with joy even in difficulty. But if you are in the midst of struggles, hold on, sister. Hold on, brother. Keep the faith. Have grace for yourself. You are the apple of God's eye, and even when he feels far away or impossible to understand, his compassionate love surrounds you. Eventually these hard times will pass.

"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery." (Colossians 2:2 the Message version)

May we all know that we are woven into a tapestry of love.