angry :(

In my dreams last night, I remember saying very distinctly, either to myself or someone else in the dream: "I'm bitter at America and at American Christians."

Then I woke up and thought, woah, what is going on with me that I would say that so clearly in my sleep?

As I was lying there thinking about it, I think that the root of those feelings is hurt. Hurt stored up from all of the times I visited America over my childhood and adolescence and the hurtful things that people would say in sheer ignorance about the country that I'm from or about the people that I love. When you are asked as an elementary schooler in all seriousness if you eat real food or if you ride an elephant to school or live in a grass hut, you start to think that the people asking you those questions are kind of stupid. As a kid, life growing up in Thailand just made sense, it was the way things were, and when I encountered other kids who didn't have any concept of my whole world, I thought their questions were pretty silly. Patience has never been one of my defining virtues!

Of course, moving into college, the hurtful comments became more complex and generalistic. No, I don't think that America is the best country in the world. I've lived in three countries and I can't call any of them the best country in the world. No, I don't think that America is this wonderful Christian nation and every other country is heathan through and through. How can that account for the many other countries where the Christian faith is vibrant and exploding whereas it appears to be shrinking in this country? No, I don't think that every single other person in the world would give their right foot to live in America. Certainly a lot of folks would, but there are also a lot of folks that you could not pay to come live in America. No, I don't think that America is on a mission to keep peace and democracy and civilization alive in the rest of the world (hello? have you looked at our foreign policy??). Most of these things are myths that American culture instructs its children in from the time that they are very young, through the media, the political leaders, parents, and yes, religious leadership. So intellectually I know it is really a question of enculturation, not an entire population's arrogance and lack of sense, but emotionally it's been really painful at points as a missionary kid to navigate through it all. Especially when questioning those myths means people label you "unpatriotic" and they definitely don't mean it as a good thing.

That hurt is probably at the root of all the anger that is stored up in me.
I. am. angry.
It doesn't come out very often, but it's there.

But because I know Jesus, I know that living in anger and irreconciliation is not a good place to be or an acceptable place to stay. Even if I don't want to, I have to learn how to forgive. And I have to have compassion and forgive others' ignorance in the midst of a deep awareness of my own ignorance, brokenness and need for God. And even as I write this, dear readers, I must ask for your patience and forgiveness if anything I've said as I've been trying to understand and process my experience has been hurtful to you. Thanks for sticking with me in the journey.

Right now, my life feels like a house of cards, teetering precariously and barely held together. I feel fragile. And adding one more healing issue to deal with on top of everything else just does not seem manageable. So perhaps this one will keep lurking in the corner to be dealt with another day.