This has been a rough last month. I started my new job in June and it's proving to be a better fit for me than data entry, but very stressful. To work with homeless folks is to be constantly dealing with people in crisis. When I first started here, one of my coworkers told me that everyone who comes seeking our services feels like they are in a state of emergency, but that as staff, we cannot allow their emergencies to become our emergencies or we'll burn out. I haven't learned how to do this yet. When I call all of the places I can think of and I can't find housing for someone, and I know that they are going to have to sleep on the street or in their car that night, it's distressing. Just yesterday, another of my coworkers said to me: "Jenny, you care too much. You do all that you can do, and then you have to let it go."
Despite how hard it is, I think that this is a very necessary skill for anyone contemplating working longer term with the poor. If I end up working with individuals in the sex trade or in other exploitative and oppressive situations, I am going to have to learn to do what I can do, and then let it go into the hands of Jesus. But oh! it is so hard trying to learn to do this. I feel like my soul is being beaten up every day and is having a hard time bouncing back after each assault.
Because work has been so stressful and I've also been very tired, it's put a lot of stress on home life as well. I love my roommate to pieces and I am so grateful to be rooming with her; she's taught me so much and been such a blessing over this last year. But when we are both tired and stressed out, our naturally different communication styles become a source of misunderstanding and hurt feelings, which quickly deteriorates into a downward cycle. We had a good reconciliation conversation the other day and prayed together, but I know it's still going to take work, to take choosing to assume the best and not be offended, to choose to respond with love instead of impatience and hard words.
Yet even as home has been a place of struggle as well, I am thankful to be going through this. Coming to the end of myself is making me realize how little ability to love I have and how much I need God to come in and be sufficient in my insufficiency. I'd rather find out how little love I have so that I can grow than to be comfortable and never pressed to love when it's hard and to think that I'm so great at it.
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1 comment:
It took me a long time to figure out how to respond to this post, Jenny. I resonated with so much of it, from not being able to "leave the situation in God's hands," to learning to "choose to believe the best" in someone and their intentions, all of which is SO! HARD! for me. So I'll just say thanks for your thoughts. Keep writing and reflecting, my friend!
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