Weddings

As summer approaches, so does wedding season. Between my own friends and my boyfriend's friends, sometimes I feel like EVERYONE is getting married! I guess that happens when you hit your mid-20s.

A couple of months ago I was reading a blog posting from a college friend on his proposal story, and while I was happy for them I started feeling jealous. I mean, really jealous. Any other single friends out there feel me on this one? I am not ready to get married but I definitely want to at some point, and I envy the certainty of those who write mushy blog posts about how they have found "the one." In contrast, even though I am happily dating a wonderful man, when it comes to the general idea of marriage I have a lot of fears and anxiety--mainly about whether it will ever happen for me and about my own ability to choose wisely.

Ultimately I think it comes down to my questioning of God's love for me. Is God's relationship with me solely about sacrifice and suffering or does God delight in giving me good gifts as well? Can I trust that when God gives me a good gift that he won't yank it away again? Will God withhold something from me just because it is something I want? Does God love me enough to help me and protect me in the decision making process?

If you are single or dating, where are you at with the whole marriage thing, especially if you have lots of friends who are getting married? How do you deal with jealousy? Do you find that your own feelings also are rooted in what you are working through with God? If you are married, did you deal with these kinds of feelings when you were younger?

Resurrection

I have been thinking about trying my hand at spoken word for some time now. I like words :), I used to write poems, and I like listening to spoken word so I always thought that it would be fun to try it myself.

As I was reflecting on the meaning of Jesus's resurrection and what that means for my own life, a spoken word/poem thing began to take shape as a way of verbalizing those thoughts. So here is my piece that I wrote and shared at the brunch my small group threw for Easter this year. It's not the same on the written page, but imagine me speaking it. :)

Resurrection

Knowing Jesus is not a quick ticket to happiness.
It's not no rain, no bain, no pain--that's novocaine, not Jesus.
It's not my right, my might, my fight--that's selfishness, not Jesus.

My life with Jesus has been an adventure,
Partnering with people and going places I never expected.
Lots of love and light and laughter.

And I have also done a lot of leaving.
Small deaths litter the landscape behind me:
Deaths of friendships, homes, innocence,
Whole countries and ways of life have come and gone.

Sometimes darkness stalks my own life too.
Fear, hopelessness, depression is pressing down
and I'm scratching clawing screaming
for a way out.

And all those labels
that people or places or past experiences
have placed on us.
--What are yours? I'll tell you some of mine--
Outsider. Unknown. Abandoned. Alone.

Resurrection comes into the midst of our woundedness
and says--Not True!

And I find that
mission and vision and
promise and purpose and
hope and healing
come as Jesus walks me through those deaths into life.

And I have a new name.
I am Chosen.
I am Beloved.
I am Known.
And Jesus will never leave me or abandon me.

Resurrection.
It's not no rain, no bain, no pain--that's not Jesus.

But it is the promise
that when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
that we are not alone, cause he has already been there.

It is the promise
That life can come out of death,
That life has come out of death,
And that Jesus makes all things new.