As summer approaches, so does wedding season. Between my own friends and my boyfriend's friends, sometimes I feel like EVERYONE is getting married! I guess that happens when you hit your mid-20s.
A couple of months ago I was reading a blog posting from a college friend on his proposal story, and while I was happy for them I started feeling jealous. I mean, really jealous. Any other single friends out there feel me on this one? I am not ready to get married but I definitely want to at some point, and I envy the certainty of those who write mushy blog posts about how they have found "the one." In contrast, even though I am happily dating a wonderful man, when it comes to the general idea of marriage I have a lot of fears and anxiety--mainly about whether it will ever happen for me and about my own ability to choose wisely.
Ultimately I think it comes down to my questioning of God's love for me. Is God's relationship with me solely about sacrifice and suffering or does God delight in giving me good gifts as well? Can I trust that when God gives me a good gift that he won't yank it away again? Will God withhold something from me just because it is something I want? Does God love me enough to help me and protect me in the decision making process?
If you are single or dating, where are you at with the whole marriage thing, especially if you have lots of friends who are getting married? How do you deal with jealousy? Do you find that your own feelings also are rooted in what you are working through with God? If you are married, did you deal with these kinds of feelings when you were younger?
4 comments:
I know that maybe I'm not the best person to answer this, given my current relationship status, but ABSOLUTELY! I think it's totally normal to feel jealous in those situations, and to be honest, I felt VERY jealous going to all of these weddings for the past couple of years, esp. with a feeling of entitlement, i.e. "I've been dating way freakin' longer than those people," etc. and that made it very difficult to attend those weddings and be happy for the couple. I admit that the first wedding I went to after I got engaged, I enjoyed so much more even though I didn't know the couple as well as in the other weddings.
That said, I fully expect that friends are jealous now, and I don't hold that against them. I try not to talk about my wedding very much (part of why I have the blog--if people are interested in learning about it they can read, if not they don't have to hear about it) and if they don't want to participate I don't hold it against them. Of course, in the end, jealousy is an internal thing, and something that we have to work out in ourselves. But given my previous experience, I know it's hard and you can't just make those feelings go away.
haha, thanks Jessica for sharing your own journey. And I am excited for you, even if I have my own angst :P
Perhaps the question is do you think god is good? Would a good person toy with you to give you a joy and yank it away from you? I dont think a good friend would do that to you, so I have a hard time thinking that a good god would.
I am not saying that good things will not be taken from us, but I dont think that it will be done with a malicious heart from the all-mighty.
Perhaps there is just not a "right" way when it comes to the whole marriage thing. I am a slow learner and had to take 7 years to figure some things out.
Trust that you are loved and take each day for the best you can. The rest will work out eventually. Not comforting words I know.
yes, true. I think deep down I question whether what God thinks is good for me I will also think is good. On an intellectual level I know that is a messed up way to see God, but on an emotional level that is part of my current reality. Hmm. how to change this...
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